Tao of Gabe: Cookie is a Sometimes Topic

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Delightful Beaver here with a preposterous claim: Cookie Monster never eats cookies!!

Check it out the next time you see him. He always yells and moves his hands in a purposeful manner, but every single cookie crumb bounces out of his mouth as if it hit a mysterious, black wall.

I’m not one to lob accusations, but he’s a phony, phony, phony! I’m sure he goes backstage after every show and throws up all the crumbs that might have made it in. The producers of Sesame Street (the letter C and the number 13) have denied these and other allegations for years, but denial’s not just a river in Egypt.

Actually, it’s not a river at all; it’s a state of mind in which you refuse to accept something as fact. I should know: I have a doctorate in phrenologic psychology. (Phrenology is the study of the bumps on people’s heads to determine their intelligence, personality, and potential criminality. It was dismissed as quackery in the 19th century, but it has now grown widely accepted as chirpery.)

To tell you the truth, I’m not allowed to call myself a doctor as degrees from my graduation year only count as a certificate of completion in remedial art from any other school. Furthermore, I cannot even prove I graduated as the University matriculated from burned to the ground the year before I graduated.

Even if my records were somehow obtainable (assuming they hadn’t been sealed after the fire in the Wax & Records library), they would prove nothing as I was going by my mother’s maiden name and my father’s middle name at the time: Habib D. Johnson.

In any case, I’m not the one on trial here—which is good, because if people were to ask me questions, I have a psychological condition where I forget the answers to the simplest of my lies under pressure—the scary cookie-eating monster on television’s Sesame Street is.

Luckily, I am able to diagnose Cookie Monster’s bulimia anxiosa (part of the ‘worried weightloss’ family) using meaningless speculation and one recently-renewed class C poetic license with restriction M: Must wear Monocle.

Cookie Monster has the brainpan of a mop, the cranial capacity of a puppet, and the criminal tendencies of a monster. Furthermore, as his birthday is November 2nd, which means that he is a Scorpio, just like me.

That’s right, I investigated Cookie’s birthday? So? That’s nothing if not thorough. Perhaps I just wanted to wish him a happy birthday, the way nobody wished me this year. Not that I’m bitter or anything… but I hope you need to light lots of fires in the next few years because you’re going to come into a large lump of coal soon…

Aimed at the back of your head!

(But that’s okay: it’ll knock the ‘evil’ bumps right out of your head.)

The feeling of the day is love,
Gabe D. Beaver, completed remedial art, specializing in Phrenological Psychology.

“Remember Kids: Class C is for Cookie Monster’s medical condition and that’s good enough for me.”

Tao of Gabe Gabe the Delightful Beaver here with a preposterous claim: Cookie Monster never eats cookies!! Check it out the next time you see him. He always yells and moves his hands in a purposeful manner, but every single cookie crumb bounces out of his mouth as if it hit a mysterious, black wall.…