My computer’s fans are so loud you’d think it just won the World series.

You know what you never see anymore? Invisibility cloaks.

These directions can’t be right… They say “go to the north pole, then turn east.”

I always check for monsters before driving after I watch a horror movie, but I never give rodents a chance after watching family movies.

Theseus would be a good name for a band. . . . Especially if the lineup kept changing.

I didn’t put on pants until 4 p.m. today. In my defense, though, I honestly thought it was Wednesday.

I always assume every woman is into me and they only talk to me to get me into bed. This makes family reunions very awkward.

People get mad at me for not elaborating on my updates. But I’m okay with that. I guess I’m just a guy who likes to quip it and quit it.

I’m significantly worse on the phone than in any other medium. That’s why I negotiate all my ransoms via text message.

“You can’t blame a guy for trying” is a brilliant expression. But oh, so very false.

“People made fun of her because she was poor, which I thought was just in poor taste.”

My laptop is overheating because it’s powering an external fan designed to cool overheating laptops.

When somebody warns you that they have gained significant amounts of weight, I don’t know what the right response is, but “HOW??” isn’t it.

I’m trying to start a fire, but the wind keeps blowing it out. Oxygen is bullshit. Does anyone have any phlogiston?

My friend got mad at me for not eating before I donated blood today. But in my defense, 4 p.m. is really early for breakfast.

Do you think there were calories in that blood I just gave? Like, A Lot? Because I’m planning on binging on burritos and booze tonight.