Archive for June, 2009

Things for which text messaging is an inappropriate medium

Thursday, June 18th, 2009
  • Marriage proposals
  • Imminent plans
  • Government secrets
  • Illegal pornography
  • Unforgivable pornography
  • The ‘Money shot’
  • Smells
  • Directions
  • Punches
  • Poverty
  • Sextually Transmitted Infections
  • The Sunday New York Times
  • Plasma
  • Ransom negotiations

Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. VIII of XXVI)

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

This will offer no clues to anyone looking to guess what letter I’m on.  You might think it will, and it might if you already had a good guess.  But trust me: this post will be more misdirection than regular direction.

  • I think you could be a little bit nicer to yourself and others.
  • You owe me… big.
  • You are, as best I can tell, a real person.  Probably.
  • Sorry I never said anything when you confessed your love to me.  I just didn’t feel the same way and I thought that if I tried to keep talking to you, you would get the wrong idea.

Navigationpt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv, pt. v, pt. vi, pt. vii, pt. viii, pt. ix, pt. x, pt. xi, pt. xii, pt. xiii, pt. xiv, pt. xv, pt. xvi, pt. xvii, pt. xviii, pt. xix, pt. xx, pt. xxi, pt. xxii, pt. xxiii, pt. xxiv, pt. xxv, pt. xxvi

Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. VII of XXVI)

Friday, June 12th, 2009

Only one today.  Hopefully this doesn’t help anyone figure out the pattern.

  • You’re cute, interesting, and fun.  I’d say we should hang out more, but that’s probably not true.

This seriespt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv, pt. v, pt. vi, pt. vii, pt. viii, pt. ix, pt. x, pt. xi, pt. xii, pt. xiii, pt. xiv, pt. xv, pt. xvi, pt. xvii, pt. xviii, pt. xix, pt. xx, pt. xxi, pt. xxii, pt. xxiii, pt. xxiv, pt. xxv, pt. xxvi

Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. VI of XXVI)

Monday, June 8th, 2009

Even more!

  • I’m so damn sorry.  I wish I had known myself better so that this wouldn’t have happened.
  • The drugs really did a number on you, didn’t they?
  • I’m so very sorry I missed your wedding.  You got me where I am now, though, and I don’t want that to go in vain.
  • You have no idea how much I wish I could be angry at you.  It’s like when a puppy pees on your divorce papers: you’re angry, but they’re just too stupid to realize that they caused anything.
  • I don’t think anything you value is important in any way.  You probably feel the same way about me.  This makes me sad.
  • Please lose weight, for your own health and comfort, if nothing else.
  • Even though I was your ‘best’ friend, I actually never considered you a friend of mine.  I’m sorry that you didn’t or couldn’t make closer relationships.
  • I was really sad when things didn’t work out between us, but now that you’ve fundamentally changed your personality and values, I feel like I dodged a bullet.
  • I haven’t known you long enough to want to say something about you, but not to you.
  • One day, many years from now, when I see you on “To Catch a Predator,” I hope to be able to look back and deny ever knowing you.
  • You are possibly my most favorite person of all time.  It saddens me that I don’t see you or talk to you more.
  • Sorry about what happened between me and your girlfriend.  If it makes you feel any better, I always liked you better than her.  Plus: she went crazy.  You just went out of control.
  • I was really pretty incompetent when you hired me for that job.  And in retrospect, I don’t think you were doing me any favors.
  • Hey: Marxism isn’t the answer.  It doesn’t even matter what the question is.  Just let it go.

:)

This seriespt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv, pt. v, pt. vi, pt. vii, pt. viii, pt. ix, pt. x, pt. xi, pt. xii, pt. xiii, pt. xiv, pt. xv, pt. xvi, pt. xvii, pt. xviii, pt. xix, pt. xx, pt. xxi, pt. xxii, pt. xxiii, pt. xxiv, pt. xxv, pt. xxvi

So I set my face on fire today

Saturday, June 6th, 2009

So I set my face on fire today.  Then Homer Simpson taught me a valuable lesson.  Let me back up.

It was my shave day and I had to go meet some friends at a local burrito establishment.  Naturally, I put off shaving until the last minute.

Unfortunately, as always happens, I managed to cut myself.  Then I had the brilliant idea to spray my face with a flammable substance and set it ablaze.  This is what went through my head:

  • Shave, shave, shave.  Cut.
  • “Aw crap.  Why does this always happen when I’m about to go out?”
  • … I don’t have any band-aids in my house because I spent all my money on duct tape back when I was making shoes.
  • Damn.  That might have been stupid.
  • Fail.
  • I don’t have any alcohol, either.
  • “Man, I’m thirsty.”
  • No, I mean rubbing alcohol.
  • “Hm..  My friend Daniel left some hairspray here when he came to visit.”
  • Spray.
  • “Ow!”
  • Why did I just spray my face with hair spray?
  • “Ow!”
  • Why did I just do it again?
  • Hmm…  Now I seem to be bleeding more.
  • “I know!”  I could get some ice and hold it to my face enough to constrict the blood vessels so that the cut will coagulate faster.
  • Get ice.
  • “Oh, shit.  It’s late.  I should go.”
  • Drive, drive, drive, holding ice to face.
  • This did not work.  The ice is just melting and making the blood run more.  I look significantly worse than before.
  • You know what I need?  Fire.  That way I can just cauterize the —ridiculously narrow— would.
  • Drive back.
  • Find lighter(s).
  • Turn one on.
  • Put it up to my wound.
  • Whoosh!
  • “AAH!!”
  • Where did my eyelash go?
  • … Oh, yeah.  Hairspray is flammable.  Well, that was stupid.
  • Man, why did no one ever teach me what to do in these situations?  I feel like a teenage girl who went to a pool party despite the fact she had just gotten her period.
  • “…  Hm.  Who teaches teenage girls how to deal with that?”
  • Who cares!  Think, think, think.
  • I feel like Bart when Homer is teaching him how to shave…
  • … holy shit.  That’s it!
  • Tear off little strips of toilet paper.
  • Hm.  This actually works.  Only now I can’t feel half my face and I look like a tubercolic leper.
  • In other words, it’s a marginal improvement from how I look most days.

… I’ve come to realize I am too incompetent to live in this world.