Ind e-Pen XI

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction:
===============
This is Gabe the Beaver filling in for whoever sends these silly e-mails out regularly. I wish I could tell you, seeing as he IS my direct boss, but quite frankly, I never cared about company politics anyway. What he wanted me to tell you was that he was bogged down with his personal life and his work was messed up. What can I say? He’s a nincompoop. In any case, I will gladly (for a paycheck) write this silly little e-mail and fill you in on his life up until now. Remember, this isn’t Gabe’s life, this is that other guy’s. Okay?

Oh, and if he asks, say that I sent it out first thing Monday morning. It would look really bad if he ever found out I spent most of the day with his woman…. Hey, I like blow-up dolls too!

On Where I Was

Last week officially began the Indiana University of Pennsylvania’s Spring Break. My plane left from Pittsburgh International Airport at 7:30 so I, being a stupid ignorant human, decided to wake up at 3:30 and leave. Wait, that’s not true, I never actually went to sleep. Humans can’t wake up at will, you know, so we revolve our lives around loud noises and our schedules (which we make ourselves… yeah, I can’t understand it either. And, as far as you know, I’m human).
So, after leaving the Hooka (or Hookah, or Chukkah) Lounge (actually called the “Sheesha King”), I came back to my dorm and watched a movie about a paranoid schizophrenic with multiple personalities who beats himself up and messes up his own life. I believe it is called Fight Club. The movie ended and I, being a stupid human, didn’t know what to do. So I left for the airport, driving my automobile with my opposable thumbs. Ah, it was great!
Except for the times that I got lost, of course.
In any case, I finally arrived back home in New Mexico and sent out that last e-mail.

About what I did:

I spent most of the week with my human friends doing human things like gnawing on wood and building dams (hey, that’s what Al Gore does!). Not much happened that would make a coherent, inoffensive story. Not that my stories are usually coherent or inoffensive, but this week was especially confounding.

And the trip ends how?

This issue of the Pix Capacitor is going to have an article that briefly touches on my fun misadventures with getting out of New Mexico. Here let me take it a step further and bring up some of the details of my trip.
Okay, so I woke relatively early that morning. In time to shower and pack for my flight. When I finished, my human parents called me in to the living room and told me a whole heck of a lot of stuff I didn’t want to hear. Remember kids, when you hear the words “I have to tell you something,” RUN!!! This one was a double-whammy though. It had the “and it’s very hard for me to say.” Which is always about the time you say, “no, no, no, get away” and hope you hear the news through a less trustworthy source later on.
Anyway, my parents and I went to eat before we drove to the airport. After an awful check-in process, we said our tearful goodbyes. They went crying home and I went whistling all the way until the metal detector. This was about the time that I had to take off my shoes and be patted down for weapons. Naturally, they didn’t find anything that posed an immediate danger to any male pilots, so they let me go…
… straight into the smallest plane in existence. A plane that could easily break the Guiness World Record for most people cramped into the smallest place going at the fastest speed in the highest place without visibly exploding. After an hour of this we arrived in Phoenix (which is West of New Mexico).
After a two hour lay-over, they told us that the plane was overbooked and asked if we wanted to stay in the desert an extra day. A few camels and a desert ocelot took the offer, but none of us humans did. Which is why they had to choose the most unattached people to stay. I pretended that the Gatorade bottle I was holding was a baby and they left me alone.
The four-hour plane ride to Pittsburgh (which is East of New Mexico) was uneventful and uncomfortable. In other words, it went as good as it could have gotten. Then we arrived. Then, several minutes later, most of our luggage arrived. With my luggage in tact, I walked to my car and, using my opposable thumb, pressed the “unlock” button on my car keys. Nothing happened. So I opened my car and pressed the power unlock button… nothing happened. So then I tried turning on the car. Nothing happened. I had accidentally left my dome light on during all of Spring Break. My battery was dead.
I asked a half-dozen people for jumper cables before someone informed me that there was a 24 hr. jumping service at the airport. Naturally the phone number was not posted anywhere IN the friggin’ airport. Fortunately, I did get a hold of them and they did give me a jump.
That was when I shifted my car into gear, found the highway I needed fairly quickly and drove off into the night– for 22 miles in the wrong direction. Then I backtracked to Pittsburgh, got lost in Pittsburgh, found my highway, and was stuck at 35 miles per hour for an hour before I finally arrived at IUP– in time to miss the shuttle bus and have to walk a mile to my dorm carrying all my luggage.
Oh, and what my parents told me that I didn’t want to hear? They’re separating. I was the first person to know– you guys are the second through 38th. 🙂 If you think that me saying that is bad, wait until Pix Capacitor…

One last thing:
Good job to Celeste Bocchicchio for kicking the proverbial ass with her answer. It was so good it was probably right. The boss is odd like that. In any case, she gets a free Pix Capacitor (assuming it’s not up to me to send them). Good job.

Last Week’s Question: What’s my excuse for being late and where am I?
[Celeste’s] Answer to this week’s question: You are drinking malt liquor with leprechauns in new brunswick and the e-mail was late because you had to get a perm before you went.

This Week’s Question: In what ways is Gabe the coolest (and/or cutest) advice-giving beaver?

The Ind e-Pen +++vol+1++BT+11+++ Introduction: =============== This is Gabe the Beaver filling in for whoever sends these silly e-mails out regularly. I wish I could tell you, seeing as he IS my direct boss, but quite frankly, I never cared about company politics anyway. What he wanted me to tell you was that he was…