Ind e-Pen 2, #IV, Arr Matey!

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Intro.
Oh, my! Guess what I’m doing? That’s right! I’m writing another script! Only, instead of this one being based on previous work, I’m writing it out of my clear blue head. Here’s what I have so far:

A Pirate Love Story

(The camera zooms into perilously crazy waters where we see a boat floating in the water. It looks surprisingly like a toy boat in a bathtub. The pirate, in his standard raspy voice, narrates:)

Pirate: (Voice Over) Arr! Ahoy! It was an a’erage day. The wind rocked my gossimer vessel like a mate’s first bonny lass. We ‘ad taken severe blows from the Black Pirate and my men were feeling down. So to cheer ’em up, I ‘ad one Douglas Fairbanks keelhauled without ‘ivin’ ‘im the rights of parlay. But, as I said, my men were down, an’ his keelhauling ‘ad repaired their feelings of low self-worth and staved off their latent homosexuality another day. It was a good day, as it so often is with being a pirate. And moreover, we had a new bonny lass aboard…

Pirate’s Mom (Offscreen): Billy! Haven’t you spent enough time in the bath? You know we have to use that water!

(The Camera zooms out and shows the Pirate, now just a small boy)

Young Pirate (Still with the raspy old pirate voice) Arr, Mom! You ruin everything! I was in the middle of a story!

Pirate’s Mom (Offscreen): Don’t give me any lip, young man. The men don’t like their water to taste like dirty little boys, you know that!

Young Pirate (As if to say something, but then thinks better of it) Arr!

(The Camera zooms out further and shows several adult pirates walking up to the Young Pirate. One of them pulls down his pants and the camera sees his butt in full glory. Then the camera zooms out even further to what is really the Pirate ship.)

Pirate (V.O.): Arr! You’re forcing it. It should be delicate, like a fine woman’s touch.

(Zoom in to the now much older pirate instructing a young lad in how to polish a doorknob).

Young Lad: But I’ve never touched a woman.. at least, not since your mother… the sexy bitch…

Pirate: Arr, my mum was a buxom beauty. Arr… Now you just finish cleaning the deck and we’re done.

(The Pirate walks off toward his room as the Young Lad looks out in dismay to the most filthy ship imagineable )

Pirate: Arr, ne’er seen a woman.. as if that were a seafaring complaint…  arr…  (He picks up a framed picture and stares at it as if deep in memory. He sets down the picture and the camera sees it: a crayola-drawn stick figure of a woman with large breasts)

Pirate: Arr, the post is here again (He picks up a stack of letters addressed to 1 Ship Way, Sealand, International Waters)

Pirate: Junk, junk, bill, junk, bill, bill, porn, porn, underage porn, warrant for arrest, my penthouse forum query returned– hello, what’s this? ‘You May Already Be A Winner.’ Arr, me likes the sound of that (He begins to read aloud).

Pirate: ‘Dear Sir or Madam, this is Joe Bob Fenestre with Web Access America. We are testing our new Sea-mail program and are asking for you to pass this on to everyone on your contact list. Our complicated program will track down every person you send it to and pay you a sum of…’ umm…. Let’s see… why that is Twelve Sheckles for ev’ry twain! I should investigate this..

And that’s all I have so far… at least from the beginning. I hope to get the pirate arrested, have him meet an indian, a cowboy, a stockbroker, and a cockney-speaking Mexican by the end of the month. Then, when I finish the script, I’ll give it to a pseudo-director friend of mine and he’ll fix it up to whatever preconceived notions he already had of a pirate being in love.. the bastard.

FyEO:

1. Do you like pirates or pirate-related stories?
2. What do you think Marvin Gaye’s song “Sexual Healing” was about?
3. How about the Beach Boys’ “Surfing USA?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>ind e-pen>>> < < vol. 2 BT 4 << <<<<<<<<<<<<<< Intro. Oh, my! Guess what I’m doing? That’s right! I’m writing another script! Only, instead of this one being based on previous work, I’m writing it out of my clear blue head. Here’s what I have so far: A Pirate Love Story (The camera…