ToG – From Hack to Hate

Gabe the Recursive Beaver here with the question of the week: who would win in a hacky-sack match to the death between Spiderman and Daredevil?

Think about that when you’re living your boring, boring life and doing you’re boring, boring schoolwork. We advise you to send your 100 word, referenced and footnoted answers to gabe@pixcapacitor.com.

Just don’t go nuts, which I hear is entirely possible in some university e-mail accounts. That’s especially true when they are much less user friendly than their predecessor (not that I have any particular universities in mind). Who wants their e-mail to pop up in another, annoyingly framed, window?

But you know how I hate to be topical. I mean, I held back so long and so hard on my New Orleans jokes during the Katrina job and I’ve yet to reply to any mass e-mails from any university presidents (again, I could be referring to anybody. I hear UNM’s president has weekly Firefox chats with the local Greek community. Of course, clarifying an administrative policy is so much less creepy than a president hitting on sorority girls).

In any case, I hate mass e-mails. I see them as the equivalent to the mass media, mass suicides, or mass breast-feeding (why is mass breast-feeding a funnier concept in humans?). Speaking of which, don’t write me, abusing humans is so much harder when they have personalities. It’s the reason I continually attack the Parking Department.

That reminds me: you know who I hate? People who say ‘you know who I hate’ then go on to describe an irrelevant characteristic or mannerism. That’s not a who, that’s a what! If you’re going to hate someone for something, hate them for something that’s their fault, like being short or having a terminal illness!

Those sentences should start ‘you know what I dislike.’ That way, when they say something you do, you know to change that. Otherwise, you’re just standing there feeling like a doofus wondering (1) if you do that, (2) if they’ve seen you do that, and (3) if they’ll remember that they’ve seen you to that.

Because if they find out that you do that, it’ll be the end of your relationship. I mean, how can you be friends with somebody you hate?

Unless, of course, they say, “I don’t mean you, I’m talking about people that do [insert razor-thin distinction here],” which never makes it better and leaves you both feeling stupid.

My usual response is, “do you know what the word patronize means?” This can fail miserably when the person actually doesn’t know what patronize means.

And patronize isn’t a self-defining word like esoteric. Esoteric is such an esoteric word [for the second half of that joke, please turn to your local dictionary or English major].

You know what I love?
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: If you’ve read this, you’ve wasted your time. And I’ve wasted my time for writing something that would be read by people who’d waste their time reading what I wasted my time writing!”

Gabe the Recursive Beaver here with the question of the week: who would win in a hacky-sack match to the death between Spiderman and Daredevil? Think about that when you’re living your boring, boring life and doing you’re boring, boring schoolwork. We advise you to send your 100 word, referenced and footnoted answers to gabe@pixcapacitor.com.…