Tao of Gabe: On Low Self-Esteem

Gabe the Enlightened Beaver here to boost your low, low self-esteem. It has come to my attention that many uglier, dumber, and smellier humans have a low opinion of themselves.
We all have moments in which we feel worthless, though in my case, they’re not justified. So you should not be ashamed of how you feel. Everyone has reasons to feel down: you especially.
It’s important for you to realize that people care. Sometimes, all you really need is a hug and for somebody to tell you that they’re there for you. And we are: so long as we don’t have to touch you or say anything.

If you think you’re just generally not a very worthwhile person, just think of your many accomplishments. If one of your many lack of accomplishments gets you down (i.e. never successfully committing suicide), just think of how great your sense of humor is for enjoying Gabe (the Beaver, not Kaplan from TV’s hit series Welcome Back Kotter and NBC’s Heads Up Poker Championship).

Your self-esteem can also show itself in your attitudes. If you find yourself being overly cautious and timorous, remember the Eight D’s.

What?

You don’t remember the EIGHT D’s?? What are you, a failure? Oh, gosh, I would never talk about how I don’t know the Eight D’s in public again! You’re just going to make a fool of yourself.

No, don’t ask your friends. They’ll just think you’re dumb. And whenever anyone asks you, just laugh knowingly and condescendingly pat their head. Hopefully you’ll be able to figure it out before too long and stop bumbling around like a person that only knows the five lamest D’s.

Pfft! People not knowing the eight D’s…

If you have a good trait, be glad that you have it. Most people have to deal with state self-esteem where their self-esteem depends on an escape like alcohol, drugs, religion, or surfing the internet. I sleep with many beautiful women. To each his own. I have less of a chance getting a computer virus, you have less of a chance of mattering to somebody for any reason whatsoever. To-may-toh, to-mah-toh (but it’s really pronounced to-mah-to).

I leave you with a heart-warming anecdote. I remember one time when I found an old, dirty lamp and I rubbed it. Lo and behold, a genie came out and said he’d give me three wishes for setting him free. Then I took that lamp to a pawn shop and got myself a much nicer, non-possessed lamp that actually lit up the room. I still keep it in my lounge to remind me of how sometimes the worst of situations can leave me feeling slightly better.

The same goes for you. Sometimes, the worst of your situations can leave me, the Beaver who is paid to care, feeling slightly better… if only because I’m not you.

Love, as best as anybody can,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: If you hate yourself, how do you think I feel?”

Gabe the Enlightened Beaver here to boost your low, low self-esteem. It has come to my attention that many uglier, dumber, and smellier humans have a low opinion of themselves. We all have moments in which we feel worthless, though in my case, they’re not justified. So you should not be ashamed of how you…