Sorcerer’s Stone Dumbledore 3

Pixel Q. Styx: ‘Tis a good title, you think?

Albus Dumbledore: I love it. In fact, it’s good enough to be a movie title!

Pixel: Oh, like the hit book of the same name, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?

Dumbledore: I have no clue what you’re talking about. Who’s the half-blood prince?

Pixel: I don’t know. Are you the half-blood prince?

Dumbledore: No, but I heard that your mom was the half-blood prince.

Pixel: You know, I would never have thought of you as hip.

Dumbledore: The word ‘hip’ is so unhip. All the cool peeps are calling it ‘chill’ now.

Pixel: Okay, then it’s ‘chill.’

Dumbledore: Are you still with that? ‘Chill…’ That’s so five minutes ago.

Pixel: But it was cool five seconds ago!

Dumbledore: Yeah, was cool. Stress on the past tense.

Pixel: Okay, what’s cool now?

Dumbledore: Me, Will Ferrell, and foam Jacuzzis.

Pixel: What a terrible visual… are you just making it up as you go along?

Dumbledore: No.

Pixel: Are you lying?

Dumbledore: I’m afraid that question is impossible.

Pixel: What do you mean?

Dumbledore: It’s a statement that has no answer that doesn’t contradict itself. For instance, Think For Yourself!!

Pixel: Sure. Whatever you say.

Dumbledore: No, no, I mean, Think for Yourself!!

Pixel: No, I don’t want to!

Dumbledore: Well then. In any case, thanks for changing the title of this column. J.K. Rowling would’ve sued you if you kept it as the “Philosopher’s Stone.”

Pixel: But we got the name from this mystical stone that could change lead into gold.

Dumbledore: I suppose it’s accurate. Your head is looking evermore golden.

Pixel: But I don’t even have the stone yet…

Dumbledore: And your head isn’t precious yet.

Pixel: I don’t get it.

Dumbledore: Okay. How about “your mother is so fat, it’s anatomically impossible for her to not sit on her ass.”

Pixel: The dozens? I didn’t know you knew snaps.

Dumbledore: Are you kidding? In Wizard’s school I was voted most likely to get Rodney Kinged by the po-po fo’ bitch-slapping their momma.

Pixel: In what school?

Dumbledore: Oh, pudding. Well, it was nice knowing you, any memories you’d like to keep?

Pixel: What do you mean? Who are you?

Dumbledore: But I didn’t do— oh, what the heck. Toodles.

Pixel: Nice to meet you, Toodles…

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