Meeting New People and avoiding looking like a Dick

If you’re like me, then you’re a 6-foot-something white guy (with great hair) from Australia, who’s writing a blog post at the very second.

However, if you’re similar to me, then you’re probably just white. Now I’m sure the next question you’ll be asking me will be: ‘Jesus, I’m after your sagely advice in regards to handshakes. I am unsure when it comes to my handshake technique and would like to have some solid grounding in this regard. Also, how do you get your hair so great?’

Well, I use Schwarzkopf, thank you for asking.

Think back to all those times you fucked up a good handshake. Remember when you gripped that guys hand and gave it three pumps when you were somehow expected to just do two, quick, sharp ones? Or when upon attempting a release-to-draw-back you found your fingers being drawn back to an expected clamp-to-claw? Well here’s the thing: you’re not alone. That’s right.

There are a whole bunch of morons just like you milling about. You’re probably not the first moron who’s fucked up a handshake with those of us who know how. But here’s a few ground rules to give you the idea of proper use:

• Maintain eye contact during shake. A momentary glance to the hand may be allowed, to avoid the cardinal sin of shakes: leaving a handshake hanging. If you do this sin, well, bucko… Jehovah himself wouldn’t be able to help you. Neither would Buddha. And I’m pretty sure Shiva would just laugh.
• Allow a mutual number of pumps to occur. Don’t force the arm to stop after the usual three, as this could possibly be a safety risk, if your friend is ‘strong like bull’ (to paraphrase… every Russian I’ve ever met, actually).
• Have a firm grip of the hand, interlocking the thumbs at the joint. Avoid gripping just the fingers, as this is code for being unable to maintain erection. Also don’t grip the hand too firmly, as this is code for having a lousy childhood.
• If shaking hands with an ethnic minority or someone that wishes they were in an ethnic minority, do not be surprised when your attempted simple handshake turns into a five minute role-play culminating in a jazz ballet rendition of the bobsled Olympic team as depicted in the film ‘Cool Runnings’.

Remember- your handshake says something about you. This something could be as simple as something like ‘I have nice hands’ or as complex as ‘my penis is larger than yours, check out how masculine my hands are, Tiny’. This is the aura you are attempting to project- that of superiority. Feel free to take part in that familiar ‘try to crush the other guy’s hand with pure force’ battle of ‘wills’ (or, to be more exact- hands) that we all know so well. This game is ages old in its basis and goal: to prove who is better at chess (or ‘sex’, a colleague puts forward. I don’t see the connection between board games and fucking, but I have a feeling he just has sex on the tits- MIND!). So feel free to ‘checkmate’ your friend by ‘rook to c8’. Hahahaha…. rook to c8! Gold.

Suitable exclamations during shakes are many, and varied, but make sure to take note of the context of meeting. For example to yell out ‘wassup mothafuckaaaaa’ may be fine in your bridge club, but in the fast paced world of print cartridge recycling, you’ll seem very out of place. Similarly, to greet your mother-in-law with a simple ‘how are you Mrs. X’ (where X is replaced with her actual name- unless her name actually is X, in which case you have the coolest mother-in-law ever, and she’s obviously married to Doctor X.) would be almost rude in its formality. Better would be to grab a hold of her rear with your free hand during the initial handshake, while maintaining eye contact, and saying something like ‘Hola, la llama de mi corazón, me demuestra su cama.’ Also acceptable would be something like ‘unf! I can see where X got her tight ass from’ (where X is the name of your girlfriend, unless her name actually is X in which case… well you know the rest).

So remember, greeting people in the proper, accepted manner is half the battle, two thirds of the dance, one ninth of the casserole and possibly just as important as doing the one handed tango. Um, I’m not sure what that last one meant, but I think it may involve mayonnaise. Only time will tell.

If you’re like me, then you’re a 6-foot-something white guy (with great hair) from Australia, who’s writing a blog post at the very second. However, if you’re similar to me, then you’re probably just white. Now I’m sure the next question you’ll be asking me will be: ‘Jesus, I’m after your sagely advice in regards…