Tips for the struggling writer.
- by Ex_cal
If you are reading this, odds are you are a struggling author. I too know the pains of waking up daily and having to use ‘words’ to craft ‘…things’. But worry not! If you can read this, you’re already halfway there! Knowing how to read is half the battle. Or possibly more. I haven’t done the math.
Working with plot.
Remember, your plots should be deep and meaningful, while retaining some degree of suspense. Sure your idea of ‘a murder mystery mixed with kung fu elements in a retirement community in Madagascar’ may be the best thing your friends have ever heard, but lets face it. You’re shit.
Instead you should craft an intelligent narrative. Something that I write should be what you aim for. Here’s some examples of plot you may like to think about and springboard off:
A murder mystery mixed with kung fu elements in a fishing village in Nova Scotia that revolves around a young boy growing up wishing to learn how to fish while fighting off the dreaded Northern Style Peiking Boxers of Kowloon Province as he wins the girl of his dreams by fighting hard against the evil British developers who attempt to buy up the island to turn it into a huge Target.
A novel (a ‘how-to’ if you will) about the lost art of shotgun twirling.
A short story about a team of dinosaur bank robbers lost in TIME (ha! Take that Michael Crichton!)
So, as you can see, a good plot can even be interesting without reading the entire work. That’s the kind of thing most publishers look for- interesting plots, formed out of ‘words’ and placed on some sort of ‘sheet’. Remember that they will actually read this, in order to find out whether on not you should be picked up and published. When I say ‘picked up’ I don’t mean it in the carnal sense- unless your work is really really good. But let’s face it- you’re not that good.
Grammar.
A lot of authors would say that grammar and spelling are the most important skill to master in writing fiction. I would say these guys are not good morons duh.
A lack of grammar can spice up even the most well written fictional work. That should be part of the editing process, as you think about spice. So lets see some spicy examples!
“Today I go there with grate speed! Spare me your thought as it will not defer my belief in slightest.”
The plane slowly moved its way off the runway running late and roving into the sky. What a sky it were. Blue. Lots of blue. and a bit of white.
His name was Lexington Fleece and he was angry mad. Angry mad.
Spicy!
Proper use of italics, boldening and other neat tricks.
As you saw in the last example in the last section of the last bit I just wrote which was last, the use of bold type makes things extra sexy. Who can deny that the particular aspects of English writing makes for exciting stuff. Just look at the following example:
“Why did you do that?”
Becomes:
“Why did you do that?!”
It’s brilliant. I defy you to show me a Pulitzer that hasn’t used at least one bold word in it. Also, feel free to use exclamation points much the way the word ‘fuck’ is used at the end of a sentence that started before you stub your toe (something like “yeah I’ve been doin-ARGHFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK“).
Once you have harnessed the act of boldening you can move on to the sexiness of italics and underlining. Italics are best used to emphasise certain words in a sentence that you like. Underlining is like the same thing, but it’s… a line under the word. Don’t ask me why we have italics AND underlining, but I’m sure there‘s a good reason. Much like I’m sure there was a good reason for O.J.’s little escapade. I have a lot of faith.
Work hard and you will be FREE!!!!!!!!!!
Dialogue.
Perhaps of the utmost importance to the author of fiction is dialogue. Without dialogue, a novel would be particularly empty of such things as ‘words people say in it‘. It’s a subtle change. Most people wouldn’t even notice the change, but we as authors have a responsibility to maintain a healthy narrative that will not spontaneously combust at any time.
Here‘s the trick to dialogue: write the way real people speak. No-one needs to have lengthy discussions on the printed page that don’t flow good. Here’s an example of dialogue from the famous movie Amadeus or Armadeus or Mozart Goes Nuts.
SALIERI: Herr Mozart? I have come to commission work from you.
MOZART: What work?
SALIERI: A Mass for the dead.
MOZART: What dead? Who is dead?
SALIERI: A man who deserved a Requiem Mass and never got one.
MOZART: Who are you?
SALIERI: I am only a messenger. Do you accept? You will be paid well.
Well that may be all well and good in a movie, but in a novel we must be more entertaining and creative with our words. Here’s how it would best be written in a novel:
Sallieri stood in DISGUISE silently as Mozart opened the door.
“Herr Mozart?” he quipped, intelligent and sexy. He had great hair. Hair thats long.
Mozart didn’t reply which was odd, since Mozart talked a lot until now.
“Wanna do me a job, bucko?” Sallieri added, sticking his thumb up and grinning.
“Work? But I am but a poor peasant boy from Austria!” Mozart said scared. He forget that his self came from somewhere that’s not in Austria… I think.
“A mass for dead persons that is performed in a church. Although I think the Tibetans also do them.”
“DEAD?!?!!!!!”
“Yes.”
“ARE YOU MY DEAD FATHER IN DISGUISE COME TO SCARE ME TO AN EARLY GRAVE?!!!!!!!”
“Um…. Here, take some cash.” Jingle jingle jingle.
Brilliance. I’ll be contacting the producers of the film as soon as possible to offer my services.
SOUND FXXXXXXX.
A good sound effect is the best way to bring sharpness to a work. To end this little guide, I will outline a few sorely missed sound fx that you should be encouraged to use in your works.
Blam.
Smack!
Fappo!
Smuck.
KAWHIOP.
Splatch.
Feel free to make up your own, by the way. Those Batman episodes didn’t write themselves you know!
HAPPY WRITING!!!!!
Related posts:
- 10 Tips for Taming Your Tongue ourwords2004: O’Connor has devised the cure for the common curse: Recognize that swearing does damage. Start by eliminating casual swearing. Think positively. Practice patience. Cope, don’t cuss. Stop complaining. Seek alternative words. Make your point...
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If you are reading this, odds are you are a struggling author. I too know the pains of waking up daily and having to use ‘words’ to craft ‘…things’. But worry not! If you can read this, you’re already halfway there! Knowing how to read is half the battle. Or possibly more. I haven’t done…
After reviewing this guide to write at great length, i have surmised that i shall become THE GREATEST WRITER THAT HAS EVER LIVED!!
MWAhahahahhahwAHwAHwahhahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!