Things you should and should not shake (and how to tell the difference)

RemCon came under new management. Berkowitz’s brief conversation with Albright made him popular for a few years, but it eventually faded. The new management made it explicitly clear that unskilled employees would be fired in favor of employees that could do their job and others’ as well. The new management thought that if secretaries were knitting booties or working on the company newsletter rather than simply taking calls, then the productivity of the company would skyrocket. ((RemCon went out of business shortly after the end of this chapter. Some people blame the fraudulent accounting, some blame the incompetent management, others blame the giant nuclear explosion that killed every member of the company and most nearby towns, but I blame the economy.)) The only people who this crazy new policy could affect were the secretaries Aristus and Evaristus Bender who were the first cousins to the new Vice President and Berkowitz, who had no skills and was unloved. Justifiably, Berkowitz feared for his job. ((But not his life, sadly.))

—Excerpt from my novel

This pace is killing me. Apparently, writing a novel is a lot of work. So is blogging every day. So is applying to grad school (It took me four hours to find out what any of my schools had to say about personal statements today. The answer: not much). If I don’t visit your blog much these next few days, please forgive me, but I’ve got to keep on top of my other commitments.

Anyway, today I’m thankful I’m not in Pakistan. I’m also glad I wasn’t born during the Spanish Inquisition. You would too if you were reading Sam Harris’ The End of Faith (which you should read if you can handle it, which most people cannot). Really, I’m just glad for technology. Barring YouTube, photography, and celebrity, the Internet is a purely mental exercise. Information and opinion throw themselves everywhere and the audience share is ever fleeting (no offense). Thus, to even be noticed, you have to excel. I’m glad for that because I think I’m in my element when I can spew my thoughts undiluted by distance or convenience. For instance, I have here a list I thought of just now when I mistook an open Mountain Dew can for a sealed orange juice container.

Things you should shake:

• Juice
• Nectar
• Polaroid pictures (because it passes the time)
• Your beliefs
• Hands
• Fist (if in anger)
• Your bon-bon
• An Etch-a-Sketch™
• Yourself if shivering
• This bullet removed as it only applied to men
• Paint
• Television personalities
• Pepper spray

Things you should not shake:

• Carbonated beverages
• Milk (if stored in proper temperatures, which means school milk should be shaken)
• Your dying grandmother’s faith
• Babies
• The elderly
• Rattlesnakes
• Birds
• Nuclear waste
• Old dynamite
• Larry King
• IEDs
• Vending machines
• A tight-rope in certain situations.

How to tell the difference:

• If something is a safe, heterozygous, non-colloid mixture, you should shake it.
• If something is crying out in fear or pain or for its mom, DON’T SHAKE it.

In conclusion, I am thankful for… technology. I’m glad I was born in a non-terrible area of a slightly less terrible age. I’m glad I can get these deep thoughts out to the public and I’m glad that I pulled off a post today even if I didn’t get anything else done.

RemCon came under new management. Berkowitz’s brief conversation with Albright made him popular for a few years, but it eventually faded. The new management made it explicitly clear that unskilled employees would be fired in favor of employees that could do their job and others’ as well. The new management thought that if secretaries were…