Things I do that Jack Bauer doesn’t

• Ask permission… nicely
• Dance
• Have a satisfying poop
• Not kill people for days at a time
• Keep my promises, even when it’s inconvenient¹
• Be giddy
• Play Halo with my friends
• Lose… at anything at all
• Share one of my Twix chocolate bars
• Wear control-top pantyhose²
• Laugh in a non-menacing, non-creepy way
• Smile at puppies
• Send naughty pictures to coworkers
• Bring coleslaw to the company potluck
• Smell a rose (not for dramatic or climactic purposes)
• Not inject myself with heroin as part of my cover
• Wear boxers³
• Trim my nails
• Write thank you letters
• Blush
• Punch penguins in the nose
• Say please and mean it
• Paperwork
• Be easy-going
• Go out with my friends
• Say “hello” or “goodbye” when answering the phone
• Be upbeat
• Take on as little responsibility as possible
• Zone out in the middle of a conversation
• Be wishy-washy in my opinions
• Listen to the Hamsterdance song⁴
• Watch episodes of Fox’s hit TV show 24⁵

Having seen six seasons comprising what I assume are six random days in the life of Jack Bauer, I made a list of things that I do that Jack Bauer doesn’t. If Jack Bauer takes issue with this claim, I ask him to take it up with my publicist: Chuck Norris.

Today, i am thankful I am not… a carrot. Carrots understand why I say this.

————

Lappy Update: As Lappy Crisis 2007 draws to a close, I’d like to recap a few highlights of this case:

1. Lappy turned off and refused to turn on
2. Take Lappy to store
3. Am told Lappy will not make it
4. Mom tells me she’ll buy a new Lappy if I pay her back
5. Search Lappies on eBay
6. Get Lappy back from store
7. Try to turn Lappy on: am shocked it works.
8. Have to hide fact from most friends and family that sent me condolence cards or promised me a new Lappy
9. Mom waives my paying her back as early Kwanzaa gift
10. Find new Lappy on eBay
11. Haggle for lower price
12. Buy it now
13. Am offered other, better Lappy for less: am sad
14. Lappy shipped
15. Lappy tracking number sent
16. Tomorrow: Lappy arrives

This has been a Lappy Crisis 2007 update.

1. Granted, I’ve never had someone torture a loved one unless I broke a promise, but I assume I’d still keep all manner of trivial promises even if the situation did come up. [↩]
2. Note: I am a male, but I like the sense of authority this gives me. If you have a problem with it… well, you’re not alone. Not even close. [↩]
3. Only guys that wear briefs get that wound up. [↩]
4. My friends think this is a joke. It is not. I really like it. Honest. You would too if you listened to it daily for six years… not that I did, I’m just guessing. [↩]
5. Meta enough for you? [↩]