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So I set my face on fire today

So I set my face on fire today.  Then Homer Simpson taught me a valuable lesson.  Let me back up.

It was my shave day and I had to go meet some friends at a local burrito establishment.  Naturally, I put off shaving ((Clarification: Please insert “my face” after the word “shaving.”)) until the last minute.

Unfortunately, as always happens, I managed to cut myself.  Then I had the brilliant idea to spray my face with a flammable substance and set it ablaze.  This is what went through my head:

  • Shave, shave, shave.  Cut.
  • “Aw crap.  Why does this always happen when I’m about to go out?”
  • … I don’t have any band-aids in my house because I spent all my money on duct tape back when I was making shoes.
  • Damn.  That might have been stupid.
  • Fail.
  • I don’t have any alcohol, either.
  • “Man, I’m thirsty.”
  • No, I mean rubbing alcohol.
  • “Hm..  My friend Daniel left some hairspray here when he came to visit.”
  • Spray.
  • “Ow!”
  • Why did I just spray my face with hair spray?
  • “Ow!”
  • Why did I just do it again?
  • Hmm…  Now I seem to be bleeding more.
  • “I know!”  I could get some ice and hold it to my face enough to constrict the blood vessels so that the cut will coagulate faster.
  • Get ice.
  • “Oh, shit.  It’s late.  I should go.”
  • Drive, drive, drive, holding ice to face.
  • This did not work.  The ice is just melting and making the blood run more.  I look significantly worse than before.
  • You know what I need?  Fire.  That way I can just cauterize the —ridiculously narrow— would.
  • Drive back.
  • Find lighter(s).
  • Turn one on.
  • Put it up to my wound.
  • Whoosh!
  • “AAH!!”
  • Where did my eyelash go?
  • … Oh, yeah.  Hairspray is flammable.  Well, that was stupid.
  • Man, why did no one ever teach me what to do in these situations?  I feel like a teenage girl who went to a pool party despite the fact she had just gotten her period.
  • “…  Hm.  Who teaches teenage girls how to deal with that?”
  • Who cares!  Think, think, think.
  • I feel like Bart when Homer is teaching him how to shave…
  • … holy shit.  That’s it!
  • Tear off little strips of toilet paper.
  • Hm.  This actually works.  Only now I can’t feel half my face and I look like a tubercolic leper.
  • In other words, it’s a marginal improvement from how I look most days.

… I’ve come to realize I am too incompetent to live in this world.

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So I set my face on fire today.  Then Homer Simpson taught me a valuable lesson.  Let me back up. It was my shave day and I had to go meet some friends at a local burrito establishment.  Naturally, I put off shaving ((Clarification: Please insert “my face” after the word “shaving.”)) until the last…

9 Comments

  1. You are really, super dumb, but this was awesome. Seriously, don’t ever spray an open wound with hairspray. Not even close to an intelligent idea.

  2. Really? I would have thought that the lesson here would have been more general. Maybe: “Don’t ever spray an open wound with any hair care product.”

  6. Hmm. I never thought about that. And yet it did go “Woosh.” Maybe the alcohol wasn’t the cause? Or maybe I just felt a woosh where there was none? I say we test this empirically. Here’s what I’m thinking.

    Experiment A:
    1. Spray a small child with hair spray.
    2. Wait ten minutes, rubbing ice on the epicenter of the hair spray attack.
    3. Set child ablaze.

  8. It always fazes me how super brilliant people like you can do such fantastically dumb things…hmmm…makes me glad I’m just “slightly above average.” 😛