I’m really well-respected by members of the UFO Community!

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My ten-year high school reunion is coming up pretty soon. Two-and-a-half  years ago, I started working on my lies. Now I’m going to finish them up. As you may know, the secret to a good reunion lie (or lie in general) is that it has to be believable, yet make an impression. Now, I could easily tell the same old, tired “I’m a millionaire super genius married to a super model” story, but then people might quiz me on the taste of caviar and catch me lying. So, to create a believable fake story for my reunion, I’ve crafted a fake life. What do you think?

My (fictional) life story since high school:

• Year One: I graduated high school and entered the local community college, moving in with my best friends.  After failing the first semester, I resolved to not let that happen again only to get kicked out my second semester for plagiarism. Then my roommates got together and moved without telling me: selling all of my stuff. ((This happened to an ex-girlfriend’s arch-nemesis))
• Year Two: I started working full-time washing dishes at Pot Belly’s pizza before the IRS audited the owner and shut down the place on account of it just being a meth lab in disguise. I spent a good portion of the year giving depositions and almost went to jail, but managed to get free by convincing them that it was humanly possible to be that ignorant. I left the job and got hired at a video store, which was so great because I got to see every movie that came out.
• Year Three: I finally decided to make it big in life and moved to Las Vegas with my manager. However, after three months of not finding any singing work on account of my looks, my manager left me and took all of my money. I spent the next nine months paying for the debt he’d incurred gambling in my name. I even tried to get into the adult movie business: being in two movies before my first suicide attempt. When I got out of the hospital, they wouldn’t let me get into any movies anymore, so I gave up. It was sad, too, because I had finally built up enough credit to make the switch to heterosexual porn.
• Year Four: I moved back home with my mom and went back to work at the video store. I got a night job as a bouncer in a punk-themed bar. I finally reconciled with my former best friend and began making money. I met a girl at the bar and we started dating, but she got pregnant within two months and we had to have a shotgun wedding. Despite it all, I was happy. The child was born premature and I had to sell my car to pay for the hospital bill, but it was worth it. We named the kid Frank after my best friend who was also the godfather.
• Year Five: I left my wife after six months together after I caught her cheating on me with my best friend. Actually, I let that one slide, but the next month I found out that she’d been contacting sexual partners on the Internet. I tried to leave and take our child, but she confessed it was actually Frank’s and kept it. I tried killing myself again, but failed, so I was in the hospital when the judge awarded her full custody and child support that was two-thirds of my pay check. That was when I went back to living with my mom.
• Year Six: I campaigned viciously for Mike Gravel and, I don’t know how I truly believed he was going to win… even after the results started coming in and Obama was edging close to 270. But that was what I was doing in my off time, for my day job, I “borrowed” my mom’s savings and took out huge loans in my friends’ names, trying to get enough money to invest in some homes and turn them around really quickly. Unfortunately, this was the height of the real estate burst and I lost all of my mother’s money.  Also, since I signed her name, she was legally responsible and the bankruptcy cleared out her retirement and her credit score.  She could have turned me in, but she was heartbroken already.
• Year Seven: I tried to make some money to pay back my mother, but selling plasma wasn’t working – they kept rejecting my blood, even under various pseudonyms.  It turns out, I was HIV+ as a result of my year-long excursion in the underground pornography business four years ago.  I called all of my sexual partners of the past, and the ones that were still alive had worse news for me: they also had Herpes, Syphilis, and a newly discovered variant of Hepatitis.  They told me I should get tested, but I didn’t have insurance, so I couldn’t.
• Year Eight: I fell in love with a beautiful woman who was perfect for me in every way.  She loved me too.  But I wouldn’t sleep with her because I was afraid of infecting her.  Unfortunately, this ended up being a bad move.  She got offered a job in Botswana and took it– thinking our relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere.  I was devastated.  Then, through a free clinic, I found out that I actually did not have anything: not even HIV.  It had been a false positive.  I tried getting her back, but by the time I got ahold of her, I found out that she’d found someone else.  The ensuing devastation was so much that I went on a month-long bender of debauchary and drug-addiction.  Ironically, as a result, I ended up with all of the STIs I had once thought I had.
• Year Nine: I still had to bail my mother out of jail and repay all of my friends, and it was finally starting to get to me.  I got involved in a pyramid scheme that I thought would pay for itself in six months, but ended up losing everything I owned.  So I started selling scrap metal, then selling drugs on the corner.  I was hoping to make my way to the top, but I got pinched shortly thereafter and was sentenced to 18 months in prison.  This year was a bit of a haze.  My cell mate was large and enjoyed non-consentual homosexual sex.  I got really far into drugs, H in particular.  Prison, surprisingly, took me as far away from our home town as I’ve ever been: about two hours East.  It was very exciting.
• This Year: I’ve been squatting in an abandoned apartment since I got out of prison a few months ago.  I shower in the local Wal-Mart whenever I get the chance and get food from the local shelter.  The Red Cross, which comes by every few months, diagnosed me with Diabetes, Malignant Metasticized Genital Cancer, Schizophrenia, HerpeAIDS, Scabies, pathological lying, and bad teeth.  I got the clothes I’m wearing from the guy that used to live in this house.  He had died of massive fleas, so I doubt he needed it anymore.  Why, what have you done since high school?

Note: If this is too sad for you, please wait for another post.

Ref. This post. My ten-year high school reunion is coming up pretty soon. Two-and-a-half  years ago, I started working on my lies. Now I’m going to finish them up. As you may know, the secret to a good reunion lie (or lie in general) is that it has to be believable, yet make an impression.…