Just being hungover outside the church and hearing the bells is torture. I wonder how the priest does it.

“I miss the movie Armageddon, because that was back when oil workers were doing something right!”

They didn’t have those toys when I was a kid. Or even when I was buying toys as an adult.

Well, the World Cup was fun while it lasted. What’s next? I think the US would play a lot better if the first ten minutes of a game were just warm up.

Red room spelled backward is ‘moorder.’

Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on.

I don’t like tennis, but I do like sports.

My friend is having a literary character party. I don’t want to say I’m not going, so I’m just going to say I’ll go as the Invisible Man.

University alert says there’s a potentially armed man running around town today. Big deal! I’m both armed AND legged.

Pippki’s birthday is at such an inconvenient time of the year. Why couldn’t it be 365 days later? HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

“Can I apply for a job here?” “Can you fill out this application?” “Sure.” “You’re hired.”

A bidet is like a friendly enema. It’s a frienema.

Bum: “Do you have any change?” Me: “Only for hundreds, I’m afraid.”

Some go to the gym because they hate their bodies. Others go because they love theirs. I go because I hate people that love their bodies.

I hate it when the janitors show up as you’re leaving for the night. It feels like exiting a stinky bathroom… It feels EXACTLY like that..

My computer announces the time every half hour. I can’t help but feel as if Stephen Hawking is chastizing me when I stay up this late.

“You could take out ‘also’” “But that makes it funnier” “Perhaps the quotes?” “But that makes it clearer. I know! I’ll take out the spaces!”

Patronizing can mean being a patron:”I’m patronizing Subway now.” But it can also mean condescension:”I’m patronizing a Subway employee now”