Category: Tagged

Dear Gabe, Why don’t you run for Governor? You can’t possibly mess up the position anymore, and lord knows you can’t [expletive deleted] fuck New Mexico over any worse than it already is. —Joe Voter Dear Joe, Well the truth is, Gabie isn’t quite twenty-five years old yet. In fact, by most estimates Gabie isn’t…

Dear Gabe, How do you deal with Midterms? I know when it comes to the bottom line, I usually choke. —Joe Frosch Dear Joe, It’s no secret that midterms are tough. It’s extremely hard to sink your teeth into them. Especially when you’re a beaver, like my girlfriend Clara.* What I usually do is take…

Dear Gabe, Why do people shave their eyebrows? -Seattle-based Service Administrator. Dear Ass-backwards, You are probably saying this in remarks to what a local editor of a local paper did to his local face. Well, the most simple response to that is that people are stupid. We’re not saying this local editor is stupid, after…

Dear Gabe, I have a friend that’s having some problems with his mates. See, this friend, let’s call him Fishypoo, is living with this guy, let’s call him donkeybuttbrain, who is not your typical roommate. Assuming your typical roommate doesn’t bring his girlfriend down and try to hide her from you. What’s more is that…

Dear Gabe, I’ve taken a liking to boy bands. Is that bad? –Joe Pop Dear Joe, There’s absolutely nothing wrong with boy bands. In fact, they are some of that most talended musicians out there in the music biz today. Do you know how long it takes to memorize the lyrics to songs you’ve never…

Whoo! Life. I’ve been waiting for this for months! Life rules! Nothing bad could possibly happen now, I mean: I’m alive, right? No more womb for me (probably)! And I bet I grow up to be handsome and intelligent and well-educated. I can’t wait! I just hope I don’t turn out to be a loser…