“There was a deputy in class today, so now you can officially say you fought a cop.” “Cool! I’ve never fought a cop before!” “Ahh… youth.”

I’m not going to donate my organs, instead I’ll bequeath them to my children so that they can sell them on the black market.

You know you’re getting older when you start dreading the candy-related holidays and start looking forward to the alcohol-related ones.

I think I should stop describing my life as “a story worthy of Roman Polanski.”

You can’t be a Hipster if you self-identify as one. I don’t think I’m a Hipster, but I self-identify as one to be ironic.

Remember to vote tomorrow, guys! Because you know what sorts of people don’t vote? Felons. And you don’t want to be a felon, now do you?

Yesterday I found out that saying “I’m required by law to tell you I moved into the neighborhood” is not a good cheap Halloween costume.

I found my friend’s cell phone randomly and I’m wondering what the right thing to do is. I mean, I know it, I’m not stupid: but WHICH prank?

I bet Whatchamacallits never became popular because nobody knew how to order them.

I’m wearing my work uniform to Halloween parties today. When people ask me what I’m dressed as, I say “serial killer” and stare at them for a while.

When I lived up north, people wore the equivalent of a polar bear to stay warm. The slutty girls only wore a penguin. It was sexy.

Guys care about women’s bodies. Women care about clothes. Clothes are go above the skin. Doesn’t this make women more superficial than men?

I’m looking for Halloween costumes. They’re out of slutty nurses, so I think I’m just going to go as a slutty prostitute.

She set us up with her twin friends. We didn’t know who was who so it wouldn’t bias the date. It’s standard protocol for double-blind dates.

I just submitted my homework as 13 separate PDFs and one Word 2010 document. Yes, this was out of spite.

I love it when other people have hiccups because it gives me free reign to sneak up and scare the bejeezus out of them.

I tell people I opened up a non-profit because it makes me sound more like a philanthropic person and less like a failed businessman.

.@mablicia: “Thanks for calling on my bday. 🙂 Me: “Sure. Anytime…. Wait, No!”