The Ind e-Pen
Who knows what terror lies in the hearts of men?
The Shadow knows…
And now to finish this e-mail so I can go tailhate at
the big NMSU-UNM Game.
What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of spiders or
serial killers or Ben Stiller movies?
Or are you another kind of person altogether who is
afraid of the future or the past?
Could you possibly be afraid of me?
What about my e-group? Or my viewspaper? If you’re a
local congressman or newspaper, the answer is probably
Isn’t that just sad?
So I received a phone call from the guy in charge of
the “Beacon.” If you don’t know what “The Beacon” is,
obviously you missed my last issue.
Last issue I wrote an article in a fit of anger (or
what I call an Angricle). I had gone to the local store
and found “The Beacon’s” (admittedly crappy) paper
covering mine– thus making mine impossible to see.
So I fixed the stack and came back to write a fiery
piece where I compared reading their paper to peeing on a
powerline (it’s not actually said, but oh, how it’s
Then, in the two weeks between writing an article and
distributing it, I forgot about it. Friday, the guy in
charge of distributing the “Beacon” called me up and asked
me what my problem was.
Apparently, whilst doing his rounds, he had run into my
paper. I suppose he read it, because he asked me about a
particular claim of mine: that they had covered my paper.
It seems he didn’t know about it, my paper shouldn’t have
been on his stand anyway, nobody had told him about it,
and purple monkey dishwasher.
I told him that the shop owners had TOLD me to put my
paper there and that I’d remove my product from his stand.
“That’s not the problem.”
Well, then. What is?
“You just blasted me on your paper and I want to know
He asked me if we were at war (despite the fact that my
article explicitly says “war is on”).
I figure it depends on how the “Beacon” responds: if
they stop sucking, I’ll stop attacking them. If they
don’t, or respond in some non-legal way, I’ll attack the
bejeezus out of them. If they subpoena me, I’ll show up
in court (meanwhile blasting the bejeezus out of them),
win, and then proceed to blast them into oblivion.
Back to the phone call:
He asked me if I’d written the article and when I said
yes, he hung up.
Then, just one day later, I thought of what would have
been really funny for me to do: call him back and say, “I
think you may have accidentally hung up on me” then gone
on to talk about my menstrual cycle.
Boy if only I had thought about it within ten seconds
instead of twenty-six hours later.. Oh, well. Next guy I
piss off, most definitely.
People I’ve pissed off
New Mexico Representative Stevan Pearce
Stevan Pearce’s staff
“The Beacon” Staff
Probably Jennifer Love Hewitt (I probably shouldn’t have
sent her the issue that had the article on “How to Get
into Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Pants”)
The Parking Nazii
Possibly President Bush
Possibly Kobe Bryant
Possibly Justin Timberlake
Everyone who’s ever had to drive with me
Everyone who’s ever been next to me whilst driving
The state of Kansas
The Catholic Church
(many, many more to come)
A Small Quiz:
Congratulations to Miss Monica Sifuentes for voting for
me many years ago. As a direct result, she gets a free
1: What are you afraid of? (and if you say Virginia
Woolf, I’ll replace your Metamucil with a laxative)
2: Say I called you up right now and was extremely angry. How would you respond? (please say aroused, please say aroused, please say aroused…)
3: Have I pissed YOU off?