Ind e-Pen # XXXIX, On picking fights with papers weaker than mine

The Ind e-Pen

Who knows what terror lies in the hearts of men?
The Shadow knows…
And now to finish this e-mail so I can go tailhate at

the big NMSU-UNM Game.

“The Beacon”
What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of spiders or

serial killers or Ben Stiller movies?
Or are you another kind of person altogether who is

afraid of the future or the past?
Could you possibly be afraid of me?
What about my e-group? Or my viewspaper? If you’re a

local congressman or newspaper, the answer is probably

Isn’t that just sad?
So I received a phone call from the guy in charge of

the “Beacon.” If you don’t know what “The Beacon” is,

obviously you missed my last issue.
Last issue I wrote an article in a fit of anger (or

what I call an Angricle). I had gone to the local store

and found “The Beacon’s” (admittedly crappy) paper

covering mine– thus making mine impossible to see.
So I fixed the stack and came back to write a fiery

piece where I compared reading their paper to peeing on a

powerline (it’s not actually said, but oh, how it’s

Then, in the two weeks between writing an article and

distributing it, I forgot about it. Friday, the guy in

charge of distributing the “Beacon” called me up and asked

me what my problem was.
Apparently, whilst doing his rounds, he had run into my

paper. I suppose he read it, because he asked me about a

particular claim of mine: that they had covered my paper.

It seems he didn’t know about it, my paper shouldn’t have

been on his stand anyway, nobody had told him about it,

and purple monkey dishwasher.
I told him that the shop owners had TOLD me to put my

paper there and that I’d remove my product from his stand.

“That’s not the problem.”
Well, then. What is?
“You just blasted me on your paper and I want to know

He asked me if we were at war (despite the fact that my

article explicitly says “war is on”).
I figure it depends on how the “Beacon” responds: if

they stop sucking, I’ll stop attacking them. If they

don’t, or respond in some non-legal way, I’ll attack the

bejeezus out of them. If they subpoena me, I’ll show up

in court (meanwhile blasting the bejeezus out of them),

win, and then proceed to blast them into oblivion.
Back to the phone call:
He asked me if I’d written the article and when I said

yes, he hung up.
Then, just one day later, I thought of what would have

been really funny for me to do: call him back and say, “I

think you may have accidentally hung up on me” then gone

on to talk about my menstrual cycle.
Boy if only I had thought about it within ten seconds

instead of twenty-six hours later.. Oh, well. Next guy I

piss off, most definitely.

People I’ve pissed off

New Mexico Representative Stevan Pearce
Stevan Pearce’s staff
“The Beacon” Staff
Probably Jennifer Love Hewitt (I probably shouldn’t have

sent her the issue that had the article on “How to Get

into Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Pants”)
The Parking Nazii
Possibly President Bush
Possibly Kobe Bryant
Possibly Justin Timberlake
Everyone who’s ever had to drive with me
Everyone who’s ever been next to me whilst driving
The state of Kansas
The Catholic Church
(many, many more to come)

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to Miss Monica Sifuentes for voting for

me many years ago. As a direct result, she gets a free

Pix Capacitor.

This Week:

1: What are you afraid of? (and if you say Virginia

Woolf, I’ll replace your Metamucil with a laxative)
2: Say I called you up right now and was extremely angry. How would you respond? (please say aroused, please say aroused, please say aroused…)
3: Have I pissed YOU off?

About Pixel

Pixel Q. Styx refuses to talk about himself. If thou wishest, thou may infer from his blog what thou wishest.

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One Response to Ind e-Pen # XXXIX, On picking fights with papers weaker than mine

  1. butt says:


    1: spiders, the ocean, girls
    2: i’d laugh at your misfortune
    3: you?! never!


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