I figured out why I’m gaining weight: I’ve been eating meal replacement bars AND the meal they’re replacing.

Cashier probably thinks that I’m only buying toilet paper because I ran out at an unfortunate time.
I wish money were no object.
I put ‘surprise quiz’ on the agenda today.
Here’s a funny joke: ask ‘how do you drown a blonde?’ then pause a moment, look intense, and add: ‘no, seriously.

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