Why don’t more zombies have back pain?

I wanna see a putting the team back together montage, but it turns out that everyone but the main character have been hanging out the entire time

I’m being held hostage. But it’s nice. I like being held.

In lord of the rings, when Gandalf says, “fly, you fools!” Do you think he meant that they should take the eagles? Maybe he was just taking them to the airport, but they didn’t realize it

I’m gonna start a Malaysian restaurant and just serve Mexican food. People will say it’s not Asian food and I’ll say, “dije que era mala!” and just give them a free gordita.

A good safe word is just calling out the wrong name

Things I know at 31 that I wish I’d known at 21. A short th read: 1) the peak of the market 2) the ideas that won Nobel prizes 3) that she was into me 4) French 5) how Game…

Someone should make an edition of lord of the rings consisting only of the poems, hobbits, and Tom Bombadil. So I have something to ignore

I’m the Mr. Magoo of humor

Had the awful realization that I don’t remember how my ex-fiancée styled her hair.

Central time. Pfft! More like Off Central time

My chess score has dropped 200 points on this road trip. That’s a warning kids: don’t play chess and drive. Tweet instead.

So far, North Dakota lives up to the low-pe

Scott Olson, “State school undergrad will cost over $200,000 for newborns today. What’s your plan?” Well, the plan WAS abortion..

Wordle 304. X/6* ? ?? ??? ???? ???? Oh, I done forgot the rules again. 200 win streak broken!

You couldn’t PAY me enough to work for minimum wage

“It’s not Ukraine, it’s WEkraine,” Putin, probably

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