The Power Rangers’ colors were really a marketing decision. Can you imagine if the colors they were assigned were Cerulean, Navy, Aquamarine, Turquoise, and Brown?

My pronouns are I

I always want to think I’m open to adventure, but then my roommate tries to get me to join an MLM or a homeless lady tries to sell me stolen target goods and I just.. don’t.

Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist is just a musical version of Twilight. Zoe is Bella, Max is Edward, and Simon is the other one.. I forget his name. Grobblo?

The best revenge is living a good life. Which is how you know I’m not a vengeful person.

Who made prostitution illegal and didn’t call it a thot crime?

Feels like suicide attempts are implicit DNRs

You think I’m heartbroken, you should see the OTHER guy!

Sleep advice: get up and walk around for a bit if you can’t fall asleep within the first six hours of laying in bed.

Knuckle tattoos that say “Lorem ipsum”

If I had a time machine, I would have a hard time killing a baby unless I knew for SURE it was going to grow up to be a hipster.

I hate going to weddings. It’s an expensive way to spend time with your friends’ friends. And your friends don’t have good taste in friends… by definition

13! My Twitter account is old enough to steal alcohol now!

Canadians have a dozen ways to say “snow,” no ways to say “no”

1: where do you see yourself in five years? 2: best case scenario? Dead. Worst case scenario? Dying

So is the microchip in the first or the second dose? Half & half?

You ever feel like anything you do for self-improvement is just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?

I hate having nobody to call when I’m drunk at 4 p.m. on a Thursday