Why doesn’t the Suicide Hotline advertise that its phone number is 1-800-APE-TALK?

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard a compliment about my booty……….. well, can I borrow twelve cents?

Roses are red. Violets are blue Daffodils are yellow Oranges are orange

When you lose contact with somebody who isn’t on social media, you can’t even check to see if they’re all right. That’s why I’m glad you’re all on Twitter: because that way I KNOW you’re not all right.

The sword of Damocles is really just a story of bad decorating

I hope when I die they put me in a nice container. I’ve urned it!

Why was it called Back to the Future and not Oedipus in Time?

Two days in a row of decreasing active cases! If this holds up, tomorrow will be three in a row!

I wished 2020 were the year of @Pixelation, and I got a whole year of being stuck with myself, which was bad because he sucks.

I’m just a Jim looking for his Jam. #AmIDoingThisRight?

Meanwhile: North Dakota would issue a mandate that recently bitten nurses could continue to work.

The Walking Dead takes place in the U.S. I bet that Canada is down to like six zombies and wondering what the hell happened here.

The wake envy the unconscious.

Isn’t all in-person chess in 3-D?

320 hours until the election. That’s two and a half of James Franco’s arms left to go.

Should I watch this debate? Joe Biden could threaten to use the powers of the presidency to persecute me, personally, and I’d still vote for him.

I could name every teacher I’ve ever had……… the names would be wrong, but I’d get the right number.

Conversations are a dance and I have two left feet.