Staying home: the new Trump Hotel.

I, for one, do not advocate self-immolation

He’s such a character…. But not a main character. I mean, you would certainly never choose him. A non-playable character. An NPC. He’s an NPC.

1: Tom Hanks was hot in Big. 2: He was a Child! You monster!

Don’t mock the elderly— I was once your age… Heck, I was once younger than your age!

Don’t feed the trolls, they say. But I have a Ph.D. in the subject and she has a terrible argument, I say. But you’ll never convince it, they reply. But— anyone who turns to biology to justify *any* category is…

Don’t get sick like me! Stay home, wash your hands, avoid licking doorknobs!

The worst part of living alone, being single, and being sick is not having anybody enjoy your witty bon mots.

I’m sick. Not sure if it’s the plague, #COVID2019, or just polonium poisoning. If I pass, here are some fun things to say about me at my wake: “Time with him just flu by!” “I wish they’d prescribed something besides…

Frankly, I don’t know how they advertised the Fight Club movie without violating their own rules.

1: what song is that? 2: Dropkick Murphys 1: That was not the Dropkick Murphys. 2: Coldplay? 1: Your variance is huge! How can you be so *Bad* at this??

1: You’re so good at improv! 2: Yes, AND…… that’s actually about it.

Priest: God cries when you masturbate. Me: Yeah, but I bet those are happy tears.

Friend: is that the only thing you brought? Me: No! I also brought two handfuls of water. Friend: … Me: *nailed it!*

Friend: bring snacks! Me: ok! Friend: are these… individually wrapped raisins? Me: yeah! Friend: … Me:

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ve failed.

IOUa results

Everyone who says they’re looking for a partner in crime: be more specific! I’m a decent getaway driver, but a terrible safe cracker. Y’all act like criminal amateurs.