How to be a Mature Aged Student

So you’re over 21? Well, for the sake of this document, I will assume you’re way over 21. We’re talking 21 being ‘oh back then!’ So lets say you’re actually mature.

Actually, fuck it, you’re old. OLD.

OLD.

And so you’ve decided ‘what the hey, I’m bored with my life, I think I’ll get a degree’. Sure I may or may not say something like ‘shouldn’t you have thought of that back when Roosevelt was still in power?’ This shouldn’t deter you. I’m merely ‘having my fun’. And by that I mean, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY UNIVERSITY, YOU OLD FUCKS.

Appearance.

There are many factors at work here. Firstly, if you are an aging female, make sure you wear tank tops and the like, which are body snug. Nothing us virile students like more than seeing sagging breasts! Just ask around, and if you take each incongruous look as a positive sign, you’ll see just how popular your fashion statement is! Also, make sure you don’t (I repeat- DO NOT) shave your armpits. We’re all very into the bohemian look.

For the men, remember that ladies are ‘into’ ‘grunge’ ‘now’. Meaning it’s ‘cool’ (in your language- it is ‘pip pip’ and possibly ‘the cats pyjamas’) to wear clothing that makes you look like Kurt Kobain (he was a singer). Sure it makes you look like Kobain POST suicide, but who’s counting? Also, don’t shave your face regularly, just let it sit in a state of half completion. The women on campus are sure to dig your patches of clean shaves intermittently interrupted by tufts of hair. Speaking of hair- don’t wash it, whatever you do! Oh and no deodorant! Remember what I said about bohemian looks? They go for bohemian smells as well!

Lecture behaviour.

Lectures are there for everyone, a university will tell you. We all have the same right to learn, and should be afforded the same opportunities.

Poppycock, as you would say.

When the professor enters the room, feel free to walk straight up to him/her and ask him/her a quest/ion. Don’t worry about the rest of us, as we’re all commies or hippies anyway, and are probably all on drugs (you know the ones? The drugs you guys all took before we were born? But they were okay then, yeah? Because it was common and everyone did it? Yeah those drugs.) hence we don’t actually matter. Due to the fact you’ve entered the class and are unclear on an issue, by all means waylay the lecturer.

During the lecture, make sure to shush everyone around you. Reasons to shush these people can range from the mundane (chatting) to the creative (the noise of someone behind you shifting their weight from one buttock to the other). Oh, as an added bonus to the people sitting behind you, if you have tricep flab, be sure to allow it to wobble freely and openly as you nervously jot down notes about whatever the hell course you’ve paid money to be in.

Also feel free to interject during the lecture at any time. Something like ‘HUH’ is especially effective in impressing the entire room full of students. Another useful phrase can be ‘SLOW DOWN’, since if you’re having trouble getting all the notes you need, obviously everyone else is too. If they’re not, though, who cares? YOU paid for the fucking class, right?

Tutorial participation.

This is your chance to shine. Every tutorial is, for the lack of a better metaphor, a shrine to the worship of YOU. YOU are the oldest person in the room, so, it follows, that you will be the out and out smartest. Some people will naysay this, and bring up such feeble counter examples as:

• ‘You paid to get into this class’
• ‘You were a goddamn SECRETARY for forty years’
• ‘You watch Fox News to be INFORMED!’
• ‘Just die already’

All these should be ignored. Yell loudly over other students. Make humming noises as the tutor speaks, showing everybody in the room that you understand. God forbid anyone might think of you as stupid in a class YOU PAID FOR since you PAID GOOD MONEY TO BE HERE and WILL DAMN WELL GET VALUE OUT OF EVERY FUCKING CENT. Belabour every damn point the lecturer raises. Attack the textbook’s viewpoint constantly, without logical reasons either! ‘It doesn’t sit right’ is good enough for YOU, so everyone else should goddamn agree.

Also attack fellow classmates when they point out flaws in your argument. A lot of people seem to believe university should be a place where you learn new things and new ways of viewing the world. NOT TRUE. University is there to remind YOU of what you already knew. Confirmation! Any viewpoint that contradicts your own should, therefore, be viewed as wrong and tossed to the dogs. Remember once again: university is your ticket to knowledge. Well, I mean, university is a ticket for OTHERS to get to YOUR knowledge.

Failure and your own stupidity.

When you fail your exams or essays, remember, it’s not YOUR fault that you don’t understand the central problems of the texts you’ve been set or the methods conveyed to you. It’s simply the university’s fault for setting such ambiguous and pointless readings that don’t correspond with your own view at ALL. Feel free to kick up a stink in class over your marks, especially if you DIDN’T fail but also didn’t grade as highly as you wanted.

If you ever get shot down in debate, do NOT EVER CONCEDE DEFEAT. To you, defeat should be clawed out of your pit bull like grip as you hang on to what you KNOW is the case. If you believe postmodernism is a piece of crap system that didn’t teach nothin’ to nobody, you should stick to this view. When someone brings up the point that postmodernistic thinking has brought us such notions as multiculturalism, feel free to spit venom at the student, stating that, in essence, you’ve been around a long damn time and know a good thing when I’s sees it! Postmodernism is all pointless exaggerated artworks. If an art major attacks this view, call him a fag (or, the female variant, a ‘lesbo’) and walk out.

You’re always right.

So you’re over 21? Well, for the sake of this document, I will assume you’re way over 21. We’re talking 21 being ‘oh back then!’ So lets say you’re actually mature. Actually, fuck it, you’re old. OLD. OLD. And so you’ve decided ‘what the hey, I’m bored with my life, I think I’ll get a…