Gabe the Notorious Beaver, 18, passed away Sunday from congenital heart failure and dehydration caused by chronic, explosive diarrhea. He was 21.
Beaver, widely recognized for his record-worthy control of his flatulence and butt-gustingly hilarious columns in local and international newspapers, led a life of severe drinking followed by regular kickboxing matches with unsuspecting kittens and homeless people. This was directly responsible for his deportation (via deforestation) from Canada shortly after graduation from Ridgemont High (a coincidence, we assure you).
Though he refused to go into rehab and often reacted violently to the insinuation that he had a problem, Beaver was beloved by his fans, adored by his acquaintances, and tolerated by as many as half of his friends at any given time.
Beaver’s habit was expensive and often created great troubles for him. His constant living outside of his means led him to join the circus for several years in the late ‘70s as a ticket taker.
Widely believed to be the only walking, talking, meter-tall humorist beaver, Beaver is actually one of thirteen in Canada alone, albeit the second most famous one (Mike Myers is first, Tom Selleck’s toupee is third).
Beaver was eventually kicked out of the circus when his cocaine habit got out of hand and into nose. This was followed by an 18-month period in which Beaver lived ‘off the grid’ and was widely presumed dead (from which we’ve managed to salvage two-thirds of this obituary).
Upon his return, Beaver returned to the university to seek his master’s and eventually his doctorate degree from a previously prestigious education-related institute in the suburbs of Amsterdam.
After graduation, he opened up a psychology practice in a building that doubled as a brothel during the late evening and night. He then returned to the United States and pursued the prestigious work of being a freelance advice and humor columnist, which he continued until his death Sunday and past it into this July.
Survived by two-and-a-half ex-wives, his cousin Dave, and numerous excommunicated children of various degrees of legal and biological probabilities of paternity, Beaver will be missed sorely by his own ego. Also, the writer of this is Asian; that word should be ‘solely.’
Beaver passed away from congenital heart failure in a gas station bathroom this Sunday. Congenital is Spanish for “with genital.” It is widely suspected in internet fandom that this is merely a ruse by God to introduce a zombie, vampire, alien, or ‘classic’ version of Gabe to campusses nationwide. Whether this is actually the case remains to be seen.
“Remember Kids: McDonald’s French fries aren’t potatoes, they’re deviant migrant workers boiled in oil.”