Oh Just Eat The Damn Thing!!

So I have a table of 12 people for a hypothetical dinner party, from anyone on earth, ever, fictional or no.

Jesus, Nietzsche, Buddha, Heidegger, Descartes, David Hume, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Sun Tzu, Chuang Tzu, Lao Tzu, and Satan (of course!).

ME: Okay everybody just settle down.

*sounds of a general clamour*

NIETZSCHE: Jesus poked me!

JESUS: (poking Nietzsche) Who’s dead, again? Eh, Nietzsche, WHO’S dead.

NIETZSCHE: Jeez, just let it go already. What a bitch.

JESUS: Hey! Don’t take my name in vain!


ME: Settle down everybody! Now to start off I’d like to-

HUME: Descartes was blind to himseeeellfff. Nyah nyah.

DESCARTES: I made the method you used to attack me!

HENDRIX: (stoned off his tits, turning to Jim Morrison, aside) Luke, I am your father. (the pair crack up as they eat more suspicious looking brownies)

HUME: (to Descartes) Oooh but I might not exist (waves hands around himself in an airy manner). Are you being pissed off by apparitions Frenchboy?

DESCARTES: That wasn’t the point!

HUME: OOooh it wasn’t the ‘point’ he says.

BUDDHA: (laughing)

DESCARTES: What do you find so funny.


*general silence bar Buddha’s laughter*

MORRISON: That dude is fuckin’ chilled.

BUDDHA: CHILLED! (more laughing)

JESUS: Wait a second, you exist?

BUDDHA: So it seems. (giggle)

JESUS: But… you’re a myth. And a false idol, I may add.

BUDDHA: He who lives the pure, decent life, goes against the stream.


BUDDHA: He who stands properly firm throughout life is to be reborn in the divine realm.

JESUS: Yeah, but I don’t think-

BUDDHA: Who has gone to the other shore and stands on dry land there, is the one who has realized for himself, in this very life, the liberation and hidden knowledge.


BUDDHA: (just laughs some more, and high-fives Chuang Tzu)

MASTER CHUANG: Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!

JESUS: So, Mr. Hume, I seem to remember you denying my existence.

HUME: (embarrassed) Listen, um, what do your friends call you?


HUME: (surprised) They call the son of man ‘Jim’?

JESUS: It’s a long story. Involved a chair.

HUME: Well, anyway, I was doing a thought experiment when I attacked you.

JESUS: Yeah? How’s THIS for a thought experiment?

*Hume turns into a frog*

ME: HEY! No transmogrification at my dinner table! Where’s your manners Jesus? JESUS!

JESUS: Fine.

*Hume is regenerated, but seems somehow altered*


ME: Uhh, what did you do?

JESUS: Nothing. Note the halo (points up).

MASTER SUN: So, Jesus why didn’t you just kill all the non believers?

JESUS: What?! That’d… that’d be terrible.

MASTER SUN: Eh, it’d get the job done.

JESUS: Expediency wasn’t exactly my message.

MASTER LAO: If nothing is done, then all will be well.

JESUS: What does that even mean?!

MASTER LAO: My words are easy to understand and easy to perform, yet no one under heaven knows them or practices them.

JESUS: Yes, but-

MASTER LAO: Those that know me are few; Those that abuse me are honoured. Therefore the sage wears rough clothing and holds the jewel in his heart.

JESUS: Why don’t you talk properly?

MASTER LAO: …this party blows!

MASTER CHUANG: I hear that! (he high fives Lao Tzu and Buddha)

SATAN: I hear that too! (he stands to get a long-range high five… no-one does it). Oh come on! I invented ‘cool’.

HEIDEGGER: As cultural constructs to control what is ‘to-hand’ through anthropological constructs that actually have no real intrinsic meaning of their own.

SATAN: Yeah? Well eat a dick!

HEIDEGGER: (indignant) Excuse me? How dare you, I’m one of the pre-eminant philosophers of the 20th century!

SATAN: Yeah? Well I’m the fucking first! (pelvic thrust)

HEIDEGGER: What does that prove?

SATAN: I dunno, that I invented free thought?

HEIDEGGER: But if there was free will, that means that the ‘to-handiness’ of the real world would lend itself to a duality of-


*Heidegger is suddenly impaled by a pitchfork*

ME: (upon feeling the eyes of everyone looking to me for a reaction) Oh what the hell, it’s a party! (shrugs)

JESUS: God was the first philosopher, unbeliever.

SATAN: Blah blah blah, I liked you more before you did that melodramatic piece on earth.

JESUS: Listen you, those things hurt.

SATAN: So does being sent to an eternal hellfire, assface.

JESUS: My dad’s gonna get you.

SATAN: Your dad couldn’t do a thing to me.

JESUS: He’s your dad too you know.

SATAN: Well spotted, Sherlock, want a medal?

NIETZSCHE: (laughs) Oh well played.

JESUS: Who’s dead again? Oh that’s right, you are.

NIETZSCHE: How original. Like I haven’t seen that on like a million college Christian T-Shirts.

JESUS: I don’t come up with the slogans! Don’t blame me.


DESCARTES: I like him better this way.


SATAN: Read your bible, that’s me.


DESCARTES: Nice save, suck-up.

ME: Well I think it’s time for the second course. What would everybody like?

JESUS: Fish.

HUME: Fish.

BUDDHA: Nothing, thanks.

DESCARTES: Whatever can be proven to exist.

ME: Oh fuck, this’ll take a while….


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