Ind e-Pen XVI

The Ind e-Pen

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Introduction:

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Oh, I love having lazy weekends. Sure, I’ve been writing/putting off this e-mail for twelve hours now, but that’s the beauty of having broad deadlines. As long as it’s still technically Saturday (in the United States, to any Filipinos who might receive this e-mail), I’m still on time. Ha! Screw you, audience! Ha! … wait, maybe that’s my problem… hmm… and now, a corny joke:

“How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.”

Crunch-time

Have you ever had one of Burger King’s Veggie Whoppers? If you haven’t, then you should try it. If you have, then you understand why I can’t get that horrible taste out of my mouth. Yuck. Why am I eating a Veggie Whopper, you ask? Let me send you to a website right quick and I’ll tell you. Go here, here, then here.

Now that that’s over, the point is that since Easter, I am a vegetable-tarian. Yup. No meat whatsoever. Not just that, but also no jello, no gummy bears, no biting people, nothing. It’s been the hardest week of my life (although, I really haven’t had meat since Good Friday, so I don’t know why I’m complaining now. Maybe us vegetable-tarians don’t get enough of the un-whiny vitamin? Or maybe now I just have an excuse). Add that to the fact that every single one of my teachers got together and decided to collectively screw me over this week (it sounds fun, but it’s really not). And, perhaps being stood up for a date didn’t help me much… although I think I was more stressed out when I thought we WERE going to go out than when I thought that we weren’t. PLUS there was a Pix Capacitor out… whoever sets the deadlines for those must be a thoughtless bastard.

Anyway, there are some good things about being a vegetable-tarian. For one, I can finally look down on people. Not only that, but I can chastise them for being inhumane. Some of the most fun times have been had by people who thought that they were right. I mean, that’s the reason I teach myself trivia at night, then mock people in the morning… That’s also, coincidentally, what the Catholics did to the Mayans. Although, I think we can All agree that the Catholics were wrong. Ha ha! Take that religion!*

So I will no longer eat meat. Nobody thinks I’m going to last, but I’ve already gone a week, that’s good enough for anyone, right? Yeah, right. I’ll keep you informed on my progress. Whether you want me to or not.

*here I would like to issue a statement. To any Catholics out there, I, the author of this piece of literatical flotsam, do not warrant or indorse any statements that I, the author, may or may not have said. If it makes you feel any better, just replace the word “Catholic” with “Jehovah’s Witness” and we’ll all be happier. I mean, who really likes Jehovah’s Witnesses anyway?** And besides, that’s who I meant, Jehovah’s Witnesses. Yup. They whomp.

** Here I would like to issue a statement. To any Jehovah’s Witnesses out there, this e-mail is a celebration of a holiday, chock-loaded with symbols. You made yourself impure by reading this, now go knock on somebody’s door and convert them to make yourself holy again.

Game-time

As far as addictions go, I’m pretty lame. I’m not into heroin, but Snood is nothing to blow your nose to. No cigarettes for me, but I just can’t smoke my Rubik’s cube habit. Addicted to sweets? More like I can still taste OKCupid. AA? I’m not driving to that one, but SSBA maybe.

That last acronym was for Super Smash Brothers, you might have heard of it. It’s a Street Fighter-type game with a twist: it’s not at all like Street Fighter. Sure, you can punch, kick, jump, and pick on people smaller than you, but you get to be cool characters like Mario (who stereotypically whomps in the game), Link (who sucks to be up against), Pikachu (who is the most annoying character since Kirby), and Kirby (he sucks. Ha!).

You can also be characters from Star Fox, F-Zero, Metroid, and a bunch of other games that were probably inside jokes between the Japanese programmers. Anyway, I’ve been neglecting my homework every day this week, literally, just to beat the bejeezus out of Star Fox. I’ve gotten to the point where I can beat him every single time (that out to get him mad. Ha!).

I’d elaborate more on that, but no– that was the entire time. And I only have five minutes to send this e-mail– and, um, HEY LOOK!! A DISTRACTION!!

One last thing:

The winner of last week’s question is none other than… ME!! Sure, a young lady in New Mexico answered, probably correctly, and two guys named Butt and Wobett both said the same answer: “they both sucked,” but since there are times I have everyone win a Pix Capacitor, why not have times when nobody gets one? Ahh… I love my logic. Take that College Algebra!

Last Week’s Question: Do you think that there is a correlation between Calvin and Hobbes and Fight Club? Why?

Answer 1: It’s because Hobbes is as imaginary as Edward Norton’s alter ego, who is played by the wonderful Brad Pitt. Although, if there is a correlation, does that mean that Calvin really wants to be a tiger?

This Week’s Question: What does NASCAR stand for?

The Ind e-Pen +++vol+1++BT+16+++ Introduction: =============== Oh, I love having lazy weekends. Sure, I’ve been writing/putting off this e-mail for twelve hours now, but that’s the beauty of having broad deadlines. As long as it’s still technically Saturday (in the United States, to any Filipinos who might receive this e-mail), I’m still on time. Ha!…