Ind e-Pen XV

The Ind e-Pen

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Introduction:

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Welcome back to the Ind. (short for Independent, or Indiana, or Indifferent… I don’t really care either way, actually) e- (short for electronic. Common in association with electronic mail and websites like eharmony, ebay, and electronicsboutique) Pen (like the kind you write with? Yeah). The coolest viewsletter that you didn’t request and can’t figure out how to get unsubscribed from. In this issue, we discuss Week One of April… duh. I mean, it’s not like we can discuss Week Two. Oh, well, you’ll catch on eventually.

Jackson 5

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in the middle of a vastly underbudgeted, not well thought out, pointless mystery? I have. I was the key suspect.

My good friend Butt (not the real name of Matthew James Gorzalski of Turnbull Hall 121 1020 Grant Street Indiana, PA 15705) has a livejournal for some reason that no one can fully explain.

At some point early on in the week, a post appeared on it that bad-mouthed my neighbor and a guy that no one except Butt seems to know (we think he might be imaginary, but shh! Don’t tell Butt). The post was signed “Jackson 5.” Ordinarily, nobody would pay attention to this post, but it was a really slow week and everyone was bored.

The next day, Butt asked me if I was Jackson 5. I replied, no, but my four brothers and I were signed by Motown in the early 1970s. Throughout the rest of the day, more and more people in my hall began asking me if I was Jackson 5. I had no idea what was going on, so I visited Butt’s live journal at https://web.archive.org/web/20050429064738/http://www.livejournal.com:80/users/gorzo88/ and checked…

Nothing but a poster making fun of a few people under a poorly thought out pseudonym… something anybody who lived a life of being rolled up, tacked on a wall, and torn down would do no doubt.

But then the frustration of not knowing who Jackson 5 (I later shortened it to J-5) got to everyone in the hall. They made me swear on a bible (and later on a poster of Brooke Burke) that I wasn’t J-5. Everyone assumed that it was either me (which was half insulting, half flattering) or the Trumpet Rob across the hall.

I didn’t have time to worry about this, though. I had a huge paper to start writing that was due the next day. That night I stayed up till 4 writing it, only stopping to go to the bathroom once when my roommate told me that it had been trashed. I went to go check it out and I saw something that chilled my bones: a note card taped to the mirror that said, “J-5 was herr.”

The next day, everyone was rabid. People accused me left and right of messing with them and lying to them. Everyone began calling me Jackson 5… then everyone began calling everyone else Jackson 5 (okay, not everyone, but at least two people).

The fervor didn’t quiet down until later that night at midnight when I noticed that Trumpet Rob (who had left for the weekend) logged on to AOL Instant Messenger for five minutes then logged back out. Listening to my intuition (what? Men have it too! We also have out-of-state-tuition), I checked the live journal and noticed that there was a post where my roommate admitted that he was Jackson 5. I asked him about it and he looked at me dumbfounded (actually, probably not, but he didn’t have an idea of what happened).

We checked the time of the post and realized that it directly corresponded to the time when Trumpet Rob had logged on. Thinking quickly (while still looking dumbfounded), my roommate posted a bluff saying that everyone else in the hall had been in the same room at the time of the post and that we all knew it was him.

The next day Trumpet Rob admitted that it was him. But nobody has yet apologized for accusing me… in fact, they still think I was in on it. Oh, well.

Good Friday? More like Bad Robinson Crusoe! Yeah. Ten points no steal.

It turns out that this Sunday is Easter. In honor of this, or possibly “coincidentally,” our school declared Monday a holiday. Thus, almost everyone I know has gone home for the weekend to visit their family. In fact, the only people left in the hall are myself, my roommate, Butt, his roommate, and a girl down the hall whose mom is staying here for the weekend.

There’s a good part and a bad part to being essentially alone for the weekend. The good part is that I can yell out into the hall (“Bah!”) and nobody will say anything. The bad part is that if I yell out into the hall (“Bah!”), then nobody will say anything.

The most fun thing to do right now is my homework. How sad is that? Sigh. Oh, well.

One last thing:

Seeing as all of the people that responded to last week’s question would have gotten a Pix Capacitor anyway, I don’t see anything wrong with just declaring them all winners and combining their answers into a long, hilarious, yet also inhumane, answer. Let’s Watch:

Last Week’s Question: What is the worst prank that you’ve ever done or had done to you?

Composite Answer: “When I was coming back from a high school soccer game I decided to fall asleep on the bus since it was about 1 am. BAD IDEA. I woke up to one of my teammates tea bagging me. –for those who don’t know, it is when scrotum is placed on a victim’s face.

“That was when my friend said ‘guess who likes you’, and I got excited and asked ‘who?’, to which he responded with a loud ‘no one!’ But that’s okay… I get that every day.

“The bus finally arrived, and I had to drive my Muscle-headed friend home. The problem was that he talked day and night for months about a stupid girl that left him. On the way home, he was like, ‘You should’ve seen me today, Man! She was like “HI” and I was like “What do you want!”‘ Irritated, I veered ‘mad sick like’ to miss oncoming traffic. Then I pulled my truck to a stop by the side of the road and, in a very concerned voice, I said, ‘Holy fucking shit, I think that the tire blew out! Get out and see, would you???’ Then, when he got out, I hit the gas and left him on the side of the road to die.

“So I get home, right? And I remember that there’s these girls that I’m mad at and don’t want to ever speak to again. I ask my brother if I can use his screenname and I get online and tell them that ‘I’ had killed myself. After a while of talking to them, I convince them and they start feeling really sad. So I log out with my brother’s screen name and log back in with my own. Now they won’t talk to me anymore”

This Week’s Question: Do you think that there is a correlation between Calvin and Hobbes and Fight Club? Why?

The Ind e-Pen +++vol+1++BT+15+++ Introduction: =============== Welcome back to the Ind. (short for Independent, or Indiana, or Indifferent… I don’t really care either way, actually) e- (short for electronic. Common in association with electronic mail and websites like eharmony, ebay, and electronicsboutique) Pen (like the kind you write with? Yeah). The coolest viewsletter that you…