Ind e-Pen XVIII

The Ind e-Pen

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Introduction:

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Lazy weekends are the best, aren’t they? No finals to study for (which doesn’t mean no finals), no Pix Capacitors out (at least not to my knowledge), no games to play, no fun to have, nothing to do, being bored… sooo bored. Absolutely bored. Bored enough to die. Why doesn’t anything interesting ever happen to me?

INTERRUPTION!!! This morning I woke up with extra beads and nobody flashing me. Isn’t it great how things can change so drastically in just four hours? Yey! Go beads! Screw boredom, I’m typing this with one hand.

Guilty by Association

I have these neighbors, we’ll call them Mean and Satt (it’s Irish, you pronounce the ‘S’ like a ‘sh’), who never turn on the fluorescent light in their room. It’s like a sin for them.

Sunday night, my roommate went by their room and turned on the light for the hell of it. Somehow he made it back to my room without Satt catching him. Quite naturally, Satt blamed me. This hallway has a thing with blaming minorities, whether it be closet homosexuals or closet Mexicans (OR! OR!! OR!!!).

My roommate repeated this several dozen times throughout the night (you’d think that Satt would catch on at some point, wouldn’t you?), and each time Satt came by and told me to quit. One of the times, I was at the end of the hallway when I saw my roommate running towards our room. Not wanting to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, I hid… despite being completely innocent.

It wasn’t me. It’s never been me. I don’t think I’ve EVER done anything covertly in this hall, and yet they always blame me first. I was a central suspect in the “Jackson 5” scandal (one of the saddest, most pathetic moments in college-history), I was the first suspect here, and… well, that’s it, but it’s annoying. How can I steall Satt’s speakers when I’m the first one he suspects for everything?

Butt (I mean Satt) eventually found out that it was my roommate, but the question isn’t on whether or not I was right (I know I’m right. How could I be wrong? I’m me… mostly), it was my feeling like I had to hide whilst I was completely innocent. I suppose that’s the way the Justice system (or the Turnbull Hall Neighborhood Watch) works: all the innocent people hide while the guilty people laugh at both the victims and the accused. It’s all fine and dandy until it happens to you, I think. I mean, it was perfectly fine when I was the one laughing at O.J., right? Meh…

Kentucky Derby

Oh, man, us rich people have it so hard… I just entered the Kentucky Derby $5 million contest thing (chances of winning: 1 in 2.5 quintillion. That’s less than the likelihood of Brooke Burke breaking into my room and forcing me into making passionate love with her… not much less, but still less).

I can’t think of how I’m going to spend my money. *sigh* Well, okay, $1 million is going to my neighbor Evan who clued me in on how free this entry is (quote: “very free”). And after taxes, I should only have about $3.2 million (boy, the government sure screws us rich people over. God bless our current president: Dick Cheney. I mean, us rich people aren’t worried about education or war, because that only affects poor people anyway), but how do I spend all of the rest of it?

I mean, standard operating procedure is to squander a good section of it (labeled: “my kid’s inheritance”), but how do I spend the other $3.199999 million? I can’t very well invest it, seeing as the last thing that I invested in was Enron (if you’re wondering, I only invested my hopes and dreams, so losing them wasn’t all bad). I also can’t donate to charity, because I’m not going to be one of THOSE types of rich people. The rest of us look down on them. We also look down on any rich people with less money than us. Also, newly rich people, so I’m going to have to pretend that my grandfather invented Heroin, but hey: anything to shoot up to the top, right?

So much stress– now I have to keep up with the growing trends, I have to trade in my current model girlfriend for next year’s eighteen year old, I have to go to all the fancy fund-raisers– It’s tough. Being rich. You poor people are lucky. With your poor medical coverage, weak education, low income, under representation in congress, and higher level of happiness– Oh, what I would give to be like you only richer. Much richer.

One last thing:

Okay, first of all, taking credit for MY spontaneous/outrageous activities does not guarantee winning. It doesn’t even guarantee a name mention. So, as to not support further answers at my expense (or answers ripped off from my life experience), I won’t even mention Jack David Nagel or Kevin Matthew Johnston this week. Too bad, anonymous losers! Ha! Pfft! Losers. The true winners are Jessy Salinas, Alicia Cardoza, and my neighbor Adelay. And now, in reverse order, their answers:

Last Week’s Question: What’s the most outrageous/spontaneous thing that you’ve ever done?

Most Excellent Answer(s): So, it’s mid-October and, living in Pennsylvania, that means quite chilly temperatures. It was a clear night, free of freezing rain, so I picked up a good friend by the name of Corey. Now Corey lived in this neighborhood in my hometown known as Treasure Lake, which, semi-obviously, was marked by a large lake in the center of it. We were sitting on the beach eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, when out of the blue he chucks a jelly slathered slice of bread in my direction. Myself, not wanting to be upstaged, generously smashed a peanut butter coated slice into his red hair. With approximately four sandwiches left over, we had an all out PBJ war. At the end of it all, covered in condiments and realizing I didn’t want to get my car sticky, I did what any logical seventeen year old would do. I jumped into the freezing lake fully clothed including shoes. Corey followed, and soon our teeth were chattering and our lips blue. Lake jumping later turned into a most common experience for the both of it, as we continued our nippy dips that fall until the water froze.

the other day I brushed my teeth in the car, with a battery-powered Spongebob toothbrush. To top it off I spit out the door while the car was still in motion; it was so exhilirating!

Become a lesbian. If that’s not a winning answer I don’t know what is.

This Week’s Question: Did you know that they just arrested four people for spamming under the government’s new “Can Spam” law? That means I have to provide an unsubscribe option with each e-mail– Doesn’t that suck?

The Ind e-Pen +++vol+1++BT+18+++ Introduction: =============== Lazy weekends are the best, aren’t they? No finals to study for (which doesn’t mean no finals), no Pix Capacitors out (at least not to my knowledge), no games to play, no fun to have, nothing to do, being bored… sooo bored. Absolutely bored. Bored enough to die. Why…