The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction:
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As an introduction to this, the second edition of future history (or past prophesy, whatever), I’ve decided to treat you to a magic trick: I say a number and you say the number that’s immediately after it, okay?
1094, _____, 1096, _____, 1098, _____, 2000… wait. Okay, I did that wrong, let’s start again, but let me do the odd numbers instead. Oh, and don’t leave me hanging with those underscores, actually write in the number, m’kay?
Enough of me talking, on to me writing. It’s more effective that way. Especially over the internet. Perhaps some issue, maybe a special edition, I’ll go all out and send you some typing. But for now, check this out:
Road Tripped:
What does a 500-pound gorilla do after driving 2000 miles across the US? Whatever he wants to. Now if you or I were in that situation we’d have to immediately write out our own little electronic viewsletter. Life just isn’t fair, is it Coppernicus? (I figured I’d name you before you came up with your own name. Hey, I didn’t get to do it with my parents, my brother, OR my roommate, you’re the last one I have left. It’s really the least you could do for me. And you don’t want to be selfish, now do you Coppernicky?)
Anyway, as I was saying, Coppernick, I just finished driving from Chaparral, New Mexico to Indiana, Pennsylvania (can you believe that there’s also a California, Pennsylvania? I feel like I just got gyped). For some reason I thought that it would be somewhat entertaining and interesting to drive up here. Besides, I wanted to be able to use my car up here. Isn’t it funny how things always sound like good ideas until you have to go through with them? I think that’s why people keep having kids.
The basic overview of the trip was as follows:
* Total miles covered: 1959.9
* Estimated time spent lost: 2 hours, 30 minutes.
* Miles traveled while lost: 154.
* Number of times stopped to put gas: 6. But only the tank was only empty twice.
* Estimated time spent buying munchies and pumping gas: 53 minutes.
* Number of times stopped to sleep: 1
* Estimated time spent asleep: 2 hours, 35 minutes.
* Estimated time spent driving: 29 hours, 45 minutes.
* Estimated name of reader: Copper
* Number of states my car stayed clean through: 0.
* State where a truck driver threw out a Pizza Hut personal pan pizza at my recently detailed car: New Mexico.
* States crossed: NM, TX, OK, KS, MO, IL, IN, OH, WV, PA
* Everyone in Kansas is a: jerk.
* Worst states to drive through: Kansas, Missouri, and Pennsylvania.
* Times swerving off the road because of sleepiness: priceless.
I would tell you (Copp) all about my super cool adventures across the country, but I spent most of the time listening to NPR and trying to memorize two love poems and 2000 bad words. Hey, they’re not going to memorize themselves. But now, C, I’m two hours into the future and I forsee nothing but good. At least until the next article.
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This is a tornado warning. The area that you are in is under immediate danger. Do not stay in any small or enclosed areas. Refrain from using the telephone until further notice. And finally, please remember to not stick your tongue in any light sockets that you might find. Thank You.
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The Omens:
I always thought that 2004 would be the year for me. Of course, I say that every year, so it’s not really surprising, but I figured that this year I should say it because it was ACTUALLY 2004, as opposed to all the previous years.
Now, since it’s barely January 32nd, I’m not in any position to judge how the year has been. Sometimes, though, life throws you these little clues that help you imagine how everything is going to turn out. And sometimes they aim these little clues a little below the belt.
You probably don’t believe in omens. In which case I recommend you stop reading this right now. If you do believe in them however, send me an e-mail, I have some land in Florida I might sell you…
Either way, a lot of little things have gone wrong so far, and it’s really spooking me out. First though, I should define an omen so that we’re all on the same subject:
1) It’s something that happens unnecessarily and is out of place. (Like walking through a nice warm garden of roses and seeing a six year old, pale, blonde girl turn her head 180 degrees and tell you that you’re stepping on her mommy.)
2) It’s something memorable that innately makes you pause and think. (Like the phrase, “nobody doesn’t know that they don’t know what they know, or think they think they know, you know?)
3) It’s something that exists and happens before a big event in your life. (Like noticing that there is no toilet paper too late.)
4) It’s something personal. For you or your group. (Like you’re pin number)
5) It’s something that has a purpose and makes you think that they know what’s going to happen. (Like the pale, blonde girl telling you your pin number as you notice that there is no toilet paper… You know?).
Okay, now let’s review all of my omens since Jan. 1:
* A bunny ran in front of my car.
* I swerved, avoided hitting the bunny, and ran over some bunny slippers.
* The slippers were being worn by a man.
* I tried to drive away to avoid the punishment, but the man took down my license plates.
* He was a police officer.
* As I was driving away I ran over the bunny that I had innately swerved to avoid.
Actually, only the first and last ones are true. The rest are just filler. Another thing about omens: you can’t explain what made them omens unless the other person considers them omens already. At least that’s the way it is for me… right now.
So essentially, I just sucked the content out of this piece. I’m like Metallica and the record industry. Just trust me, though, that I really Have seen a lot of evil omens this year. I think it’s a good sign.
One last thing:
I’ve been wondering this for three days now: was Missouri a good guy or a bad guy during the Civil War? If anyone can answer me that I’ll… umm… mail you a free Pix Capacitor? And mention you next week. Okay. Thanks. Bye.