Ind e-Pen # XLVIII a spoofy little druglord

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction
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Happy Belated Tofurky Day, everybody! I hope you all had some excellent meatless turkey this week with your vegetarian family.. Hmm.. wait. Am I alienating too many people with this talk? Let me start over…
Happy Belated Tofurky Day, all Orthodox Jews! I hope you all had an excellent kosher meal with a schmitkah and a poshtlah, too. And hopefully, none of the schmucks you have to see every year, putzed on your gasshoffles! Ha ha ha!!

The Drug-Wars (incomplete… probably)
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“Say Hello to my little friend.” -Al Pacino, in most overhyped Scarface quote EVER.

As I understand that my style appeals mostly to the drug dealer/naked gun-watching crowd, I have decided to help you all become better drug dealers.
Now, I don’t know anything about dealing drugs from first hand experience, but I have seen an awwwwful lot of movies. And some of them dealt with drug dealers. The most noteable, of course, is that of Scarface (The Al Pacino version, not the 1923 version). Here you go, then. My expertise:

Things I have learned from Scarface (and other movies like “Blow”):

~ The wife never dies… unless she kills herself by doing too many drugs.
~ Never trust the wife… because she never dies.
~ Your best friend will never betray you, you will betray him… and vice versa
~ Every business partner will eventually screw you over for someone more connected and more powerful… just like your wife
~ Anyone who is involved with you will either die, go to jail, or sell-out a loved one to die or go to jail… guess what? You’re the one that’s going to get sold out.
~ Your life-story will be made into a movie… but thanks to that damned Son of Sam law, you won’t be able to make any money off of it.
~ Your mom is ashamed of you and would sell you out on a moments notice… still though, she expects you to come through when she needs it.
~ You are a bad son and bad father, not to mention a bad husband… but enough about prison life.
~ You undoubtably live in the past… don’t ask us, it just always works out that way.
~ The cops are on to you, and you’re not nearly as smart as you think you are… not only that, but you smell funny and your mom wears army boots.
~ The fat man is always the first to betray and be betrayed… you wouldn’t think he’d be able to turn over that quickly, would you?
~ Don’t get high on your own supply… you idiot.
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The Spoofs (way, way incomplete)
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~ It doesn’t matter how stupid you are, as long as you’re the good guy, you will win in the end… plus, you’ll get the girl that’s WAAAY out of your league.
~ The bad guy is probably much smarter than you (as is your partner or backup)… which makes them all the more shocked when you prevail.
~ Someone you know will be hurt a disproportionate number of times… luckily, years later he will be acquitted in the murder of his wife and her boyfriend.
~ You will make a fool of yourself in public… which would be sad, if it weren’t so gosh-darn funny.
~ You cause distress for others… I’d suggest changing, but it’s so funny!! Plus, I did say Others.

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This Week:
1: Any other rules to being a drug lord?
2: How about for being in a spoof?
3: What’s your favorite oxymoron?