Gabe, the Know-It-All

Dear Readers,
Boy is life ever difficult for your learned best beaver friend Gabie. I’ve been reading the encyclopedia for about a month now and boy, are humans ever dull! Nothing but sex, violence, and immorality. I feel like I’m staring at cement, or worse yet, like the first third of Survivor: Pearl Islands.

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Dear Gabe,
Should I go see Elektra?
—Joe Benn

Dear Joe,
Thank you for giving me a chance to rant. I couldn’t have asked for a better question if I’d made it up. Jennifer Garner is the new Christina Ricci (though no one’s yet told the old Christina Ricci). In Elektra, I went expecting to see a blind, martial-arts-knowing lawyer. There were none of those here. Blind martial artists, yes, lawyers, no. And just who were the bad guys? A guy that doesn’t get hurt by metal? A girl that kills everything she touches? A guy with crazy tattoos? Seriously… I hope someone got fired for that… or at least some bad cream in his coffee… yeah, I’m a vicious bitch sometimes, but then again, I have some fox in me and I just can’t get it out. It’s partly why I’m a wooditarian.

Dear Gabe,
My cousin has a nose picking disorder, and recently it has become chronic. He told me that he had a mission to find his brain. I’m concerned for his disorder, and was wondering what could aide my cousin in his mission?
-Derry Aire

Dear Derry Aire,

And you should be concerned for your cousin’s disorder. He’s going about it all wrong. By constantly picking his nose, he’s just giving his fingers a work-out, which makes them thicker. What he should do is get someone else— someone close to him— to pick his nose for him. This, Derry, is your job– nay, your duty, nay nay, your responsibility and privilege to do for him. Let me know how it goes.

Dear Gabe,
What are female beavers called? — Joe Entendre

Dear Joe,
Not chicks, apparently. I don’t know, Joe, and frankly, I don’t care, though I’m guessing ‘Beaverettes.’ I just call them ‘Ex-wives.’

Dear Readers, Boy is life ever difficult for your learned best beaver friend Gabie. I’ve been reading the encyclopedia for about a month now and boy, are humans ever dull! Nothing but sex, violence, and immorality. I feel like I’m staring at cement, or worse yet, like the first third of Survivor: Pearl Islands. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————…