Gabe is a bold-ass bogey

Dear Readers,
I’m still reading the encyclopedia and for the first time in a long time, I feel like an educated beaver. I was always in the bottom third of my graduating class. In fact, PhD’s from my graduation year are only worth a certificate of completion from any other junior high school in the nation.

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Dear Gabe,
I know when to underline and italicize, but what’s the etiquette for using bold?
— Joe Typeface

Dear Joeface,
You use bold when you want people to realize how stupid they are. Or when you’re hiding secret codes. Also, when your writing isn’t clear by itself. Whatever.

Dear Gabe,
We recently ran out of toilet paper at my house so I went to a friend’s apartment and stole some two-ply T.P. from him. I made up for it by leaving two single-ply rolls I’d previously stolen from a faceless corporation (in other words, my mom’s house). Now my friend is mad at me. Did I do something wrong? How does this upset the Karmic balance of the universe?
-Joe Econo

Dear Joe,
Ah. I get it. See, you thought that two-ply (2x) was twice one-ply (1x), but toilet paper doesn’t work that way. It’s like the Richter scale, each number is thirty (30x) times greater than the prior. So you still need to give your friend 28 rolls worth of single-ply to make up for their property that you wiped your ass with.

Dear Gabe,
In your last issue you gave a lady some advice on nose-picking. I’d always heard that this is bad for you. Is it? Also, what are the nutritional values of boogers?
—Joe Jessy

Dear Joe,
Why don’t I ever get the normal questions like “how can I find a sexy beaver to cuddle up with?” Okay, Joe, after some research, I’ve found the answer to your question, courtesy the Straight Dope.
The only real danger of nose-picking is that you will somehow break the skin and give root to an infection which could spread to the base of the brain. Then yes, I guess picking your nose could prove deadly, but how often does that happen? I stand by my original advice.

—Gabe—

Write to Gabe!

He needs to fake a paper trail for the IRS.

  Dear Readers, I’m still reading the encyclopedia and for the first time in a long time, I feel like an educated beaver. I was always in the bottom third of my graduating class. In fact, PhD’s from my graduation year are only worth a certificate of completion from any other junior high school in…