“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

Damn it. Just when I find a comic I really, really like, he goes out and dies on me… several months before I found him.

Here’s to you, Mitch,

This one time I was in a convenience store, and guy came up and asked me, “What’s the score?” and I said, “What is the game? If it’s a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn’t give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing.”

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: “prices and participation may vary.” I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!…And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children.”

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I can’t wait ’til this set is over, ‘cuz I’ve got a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!

I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor’s coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. “Mitch’s Pizzeria … This week’s coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch’s Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.”

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

My roommate says, “I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I’m at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, “Can I use the phone?” I said, “Certainly.” He said, “Do I need to dial nine?” “Yeah, especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”

I went to a friend’s house, he said, “You have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity, got me again. You know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.

I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

When it comes to racism, some people say, “I don’t care if they are black, white, purple or green.” Ah, hold on now…purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they’re suffocatin’… then, help ’em!

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry ’cause I like loud music… so when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say “Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob on your side but over here there’s nothin’. It’s just flat.”

If you can convince an American that they are in Canada, you can get more money for a magazine.

I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said “This is not a library”. so I said, “All right, I will talk louder then!”

My girlfriend works at Hooters, in the kitchen.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum!

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means …. it’s dirty.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it won’t fall down.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here — you throw this away.”

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I would say, “Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough.”

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, “I’m hungry,”… so it died.

I’ve had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn’t matter what you’ve been doing. So I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say “Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?”
“No.”
“Cool, cause you know me.”

My snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I got into comedy to do comedy which is weird, I know. But when you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “Alright you’re a standup comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy but not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said “Alright you’re a cook… can you farm?”

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, “Have you ever tried sugar….. or PCP?”

I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. “Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic.” “Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus” … one of those two doesn’t sound right.

Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

You people will laugh at shit that’s funny and won’t laugh at shit that’s not funny… you’re fuckin’ accurate.

Damn it. Just when I find a comic I really, really like, he goes out and dies on me… several months before I found him. Here’s to you, Mitch, This one time I was in a convenience store, and guy came up and asked me, “What’s the score?” and I said, “What is the game?…