The Long Hug Goodnight

Some time ago, I decided that I needed more hugs. I was only getting one or two hugs per day and I was feeling listless.

So I decided that I would give myself a quota. I figured that if I had two hugs per day, every day, then I would get my Oomph back.

Then I thought: nah… I might as well go for gold and try to get three hugs per day.

So I started mentioning this to my chick friends. I mentioned it to my flatmate Jess (the greatest flatmate in the world, bar none) and she told me that it wasn’t three hugs per day, but seven that everybody needed to get their Oomph back.

I took her word for it, because as a psychologist, she should know all about the most recent Oomph studies.

But that also meant that I had to more than double my hug quota. I started hugging everyone I knew. Often multiple times per day.

So I kept mentioning this to my [label missing]s, in order that they not think me odd. I mentioned it to my [label missing] Suzi and she told me that it wasn’t seven hugs per day that everybody needed, but nine hugs and a laugh in order to keep one’s Oomph in working condition.

I took her word for it too, because, as an Aussie and a psychologist, she should know all about the latest Oomph research.

But that also meant I had to step up my hug quota. I started hugging everybody I’d ever met. Often multiple times a conversation.

So I continued mentioning this to my [labels missing] so that they not call the cops. I mentioned it to a recently met [label missing] named Pam and she told me that it wasn’t nine hugs and a laugh per day that everybody needed, but twelve hugs (and presumably a laugh) that everybody needed to keep their Oomph in top-notch condition.

I took her word for it as well, because as a [label missing] and a [label missing], she should know all about one’s inner Oomph and the Tao of Oomphness.

But that also meant I had to step into hug hyperdrive. I started hugging everything that’d let me. Often multiple times at a time.

So I stopped mentioning this to anybody. Except for you guys. And that’s only to tell you all to get your twelve hugs and a laugh today.

It’ll perfect your Oomph in no time.