Things I do that Jack Bauer doesn’t
- by Pixel
- Ask permission… nicely
- Dance
- Have a satisfying poop
- Not kill people for days at a time
- Keep my promises, even when it’s inconvenient ((Granted, I’ve never had someone torture a loved one unless I broke a promise, but I assume I’d still keep all manner of trivial promises even if the situation did come up.))
- Be giddy
- Play Halo with my friends
- Lose… at anything at all
- Share one of my Twix chocolate bars
- Wear control-top pantyhose ((Note: I am a male, but I like the sense of authority this gives me. If you have a problem with it… well, you’re not alone. Not even close.))
- Laugh in a non-menacing, non-creepy way
- Smile at puppies
- Send naughty pictures to coworkers
- Bring coleslaw to the company potluck
- Smell a rose (not for dramatic or climactic purposes)
- Not inject myself with heroin as part of my cover
- Wear boxers ((Only guys that wear briefs get that wound up.))
- Trim my nails
- Write thank you letters
- Blush
- Punch penguins in the nose
- Say please and mean it
- Paperwork
- Be easy-going
- Go out with my friends
- Say “hello” or “goodbye” when answering the phone
- Be upbeat
- Take on as little responsibility as possible
- Zone out in the middle of a conversation
- Be wishy-washy in my opinions
- Listen to the Hamsterdance song ((My friends think this is a joke. It is not. I really like it. Honest. You would too if you listened to it daily for six years… not that I did, I’m just guessing.))
- Watch episodes of Fox’s hit TV show 24 ((Meta enough for you?))
Having seen six seasons comprising what I assume are six random days in the life of Jack Bauer, I made a list of things that I do that Jack Bauer doesn’t. If Jack Bauer takes issue with this claim, I ask him to take it up with my publicist: Chuck Norris.
Today, i am thankful I am not… a carrot. Carrots understand why I say this.
————
Lappy Update: As Lappy Crisis 2007 draws to a close, I’d like to recap a few highlights of this case:
- Lappy turned off and refused to turn on
- Take Lappy to store
- Am told Lappy will not make it
- Mom tells me she’ll buy a new Lappy if I pay her back
- Search Lappies on eBay
- Get Lappy back from store
- Try to turn Lappy on: am shocked it works.
- Have to hide fact from most friends and family that sent me condolence cards or promised me a new Lappy
- Mom waives my paying her back as early Kwanzaa gift
- Find new Lappy on eBay
- Haggle for lower price
- Buy it now
- Am offered other, better Lappy for less: am sad
- Lappy shipped
- Lappy tracking number sent
- Tomorrow: Lappy arrives
This has been a Lappy Crisis 2007 update.
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Ask permission… nicely Dance Have a satisfying poop Not kill people for days at a time Keep my promises, even when it’s inconvenient ((Granted, I’ve never had someone torture a loved one unless I broke a promise, but I assume I’d still keep all manner of trivial promises even if the situation did come up.))…
Yay! New lappy! But would Jack Bauer approve?
I wonder what carrots are thankful for…