I’m a bad person and this illness is my karmic retribution. Also: germ theory of disease.

Playing that suicide song on repeat. Care to join me? It’s called “Gloomy Sunday”

I’m not sure if I’m doing this right. Aren’t you supposed to get LESS sick as time goes by?

Holy crap!! I FINISHED paper No. 2!! Now I just have to start paper No. 3 from scratch and add a whole bottle of “unsuck” to paper No. 1.

Here’s a question: How much does a time machine cost? Can I put it on layaway and pay it off with interest accrued over thousands of years?

I wish I could see two generations into the future to see if I’d led the good life.

I’m at a taco bell with a sanitation score of 101. Should reassure me, but doesn’t. What scale are they using??

flu’d.

It’s okay if i always compare myself to other people, other people do it too.

Shopping with mom. Or: how i learned to stop worrying and love the revolver.

My dreams are a very low-budget affair, populated by a cast of extras and strangers playing the roles of my friends.

Four hours, five hundred dollars, and no health improvements later and the lesson is- if your child gets sick, buy ear plugs and lock the door.

These guys are as efficient as the american auto industry.

It’s harder to check out of here than the hotel california.

My tummy hurts. I’m going to check into the cafeteria wing of this hospital.

Man, i’m glad we beat the rush. I’d hate to be stuck at the hospital on Black Friday.

Nephew’s got steroids to lessen the swelling on his airways. Muscle mass, baldness, and increased aggression are just a bonus!