Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. I of XXVI)

So I recently did a post where I confessed my true feelings to a bunch of hypothetical people.  I had a lot of fun with it, but it turns out it was all a big joke.  *sigh*  So then, I thought, what if I did it for real?  So here goes:  Here are things I wish I could say to a random bunch of people on my phonebook. (I did not start with the letter ‘A’, Alethea!)

• Alethea, my good friend whom I know from middle school and beyond, the one that used to draw doors for me in Gadsden High School and now has a child named Nathan…  Yes, you.  Umm…  Hi.

… crap, I don’t think I’m doing this right.  Let me start over.

• You’re a pretty cool guy, but you should totally wear contacts.
• I’m glad you’re coming to Duke.  I’m sorry I lied to you about the likelihood of your being raped and murdered in Durham and I hope you never figure this out empirically.
• Enjoy your life, wherever you are.  I’m pretty sure I never want to see you again.
• I actually hope you don’t enjoy your life, but I also hope to never see you again (I’m more sure about this one).
• You’re sort of creepy and pretty damned arrogant.  Please stop being these things then don’t speak to me again.  Although, thanks for letting me be the best man at your wedding.  That really meant something to me.  ((Ha ha, that was a joke!  No it didn’t.))
• I’m glad I stood up for you so many times.  You’re a true friend.
• I actually have no feelings about you whatsoever.
• … I forgot who you are and why you’re on my phonebook.
• Are you still alive?  Isn’t it weird how some people are like really important to you at some point in your life, then stop being so and when you see them you don’t know how to interact, because you don’t have a strong enough relationship to hang out, but you feel as if you should?  Yeah, you’re not one of those people.
• Meh.  I honestly didn’t think I’d know you this long.
• Enjoy the next phase of your life, our brief interactions were pretty tubular.
• You make me somewhat sad the swine flu didn’t turn into a major deadly pandemic.
• You are hilarious, but I fear introducing people to you because I’m pretty sure you’re going to offend them.
• You are my Realty company and I sort of dislike you, but for a completely unwarranted reason.
• Ugh!
• You are awesome.  Thanks for that thing you did for me when we were doing that thing together that one year.

Phew!  That was one letter of my phonebook.  Stay tuned for the other 25 parts in this series.

Update:  pt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv, pt. v, pt. vi, pt. vii, pt. viii, pt. ix, pt. x, pt. xi, pt. xii, pt. xiii, pt. xiv, pt. xv, pt. xvi, pt. xvii, pt. xviii, pt. xix, pt. xx, pt. xxi, pt. xxii, pt. xxiii, pt. xxiv, pt. xxv, pt. xxvi (most of these links won’t work until I actually publish the rest of the series.  That said.  Use these to navigate what you can until then.)

So I recently did a post where I confessed my true feelings to a bunch of hypothetical people.  I had a lot of fun with it, but it turns out it was all a big joke.  *sigh*  So then, I thought, what if I did it for real?  So here goes:  Here are things I…