This just isn’t my scene: Heck, it’s not even my Act!

I got a free shirt! Which is the reason I only donate blood on laundry day.

This university has about as many free parking spots as an endangered coral reef.

My head, I keep all of my good thoughts in my head.

Balls. I have ten hours to read 150 more pages. Does anybody have any Adderall? Or, failing that, a revolver?

I just drove an hour for two pranks I’ve decided not to pull anymore. does anyone want a hundred crickets?

Do people actively choose to write in passive voice, or is it something that chooses them?

I’m going to start keeping a Super To Do list. I’m tired of not caring when I don’t accomplish anything.

Worst thought experiment ever: Assume you’ve lived your life up until now and you can’t change the past in any way. How do you feel?

Do you mind if I call you dude? Or should I stick with Mr. Dude?

Can something be an elaborate farce if you just threw it together with duct tape and spackle? This is the question America wants answered.

Time is money, but you’ll notice that the reverse is not true.

Note: If you are drunk and your friends are taking you home, you can call ‘shotgun,’ but it is inadvisable for you to call ‘driver.’

He died of autoerotic asphyxiation. But at least he died doing what he loved.

It’s not everyday that you get to hang out with Gil Harman.. Although I guess it is for him.

I want to stop and smell the roses, but I just don’t have the time.

Boo emotivism!