Some people light their cigars with $100 bills. But I’m so rich, I light my cigars with checks for $1000.

Remember when they used to say we’d never elect a black president? Well, guess what? As of right now- we are halfway there!

I’ve had a joke ready for months and now I finally get to use it. Stay tuned to this channel in the morning for some hilarity.

My new concept novel hit a crippling bump today. How do you write something when you have no possible way of knowing where it’s going?

I have a roommate!? In related news- i’m no longer broke!?

I have deduced that induction is wrong, but I have inductive support that deduction is useless!

Nothing I say is to be air quoted without my permission.

How do you shift into work mode? I just can’t seem to get into gear. Maybe I should have gotten my transmission looked at over the break.

“Every day each of us says the dumbest thing we are going to say that day.” Can I have seconds?

“Did you like how I verbed that word?”

I need — my timing.– to work on––

Next time I run into a person with a useful profession, I’m going to say, “Engineering, huh? What are you going to do with that? Teach??”

Yes, I’m pursuing a higher education, but it’s a low-speed pursuit.

I have a round of Swiss cheese that is composed entirely of holes.

He doesn’t know why he always talks about himself in the third person.

Hey, I just realized that this season of 24 is going to be its seventh. That’s right, it is now officially 24