I didn’t mean to follow you into the restroom. It’s just an added bonus.

If I’m a player, then I’ve been red-shirted.

I was at Starbucks at 4 a.m. today because they were offering 50% off lattes… I make terrible life choices.

I waited in line at Best Buy for six hours today. Not because it was Black Friday: they just have terrible service.

My cranberry sauce is too watery. I had to wrap the bowl in Saran wrap three times! I felt like a businessman in Vegas.

I invented a drink called an “Irish Priest.” It’s simple: just Irish Whiskey, a drop of holy water, and a cherry.

Why is it called _Close_ Encounters of the Third Kind? Aren’t all encounters of the third kind close?

Tonight’s showing in my attempt to culture myself is Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Gym buddy: I’m doing chest and back today, what are you doing? Me: I’m working out all the muscles that begin with a vowel.

Good advice: Assume the author you’re reading is wrong about everything. Bad advice: Assume the author you’re reading slept with your wife.

That’s it! From now on I’m applying the half-your-age-plus-seven rule to who I allow to be my friend on Facebook.

I’m 25 and have never been to a wedding. Luckily, I just got asked to be the best man at my friend’s divorce.

Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator #sequelideas #whyimnotastudioexec

My knee is good enough to walk normally now. I shouldn’t be dependent on my crutch anymore, but I am for some weird reason.

So… the ER visit will cost me $150 and the MRI if my leg still hurts will be another $435. Healthcare in this country still blows.

I don’t want to think that I have a bad knee now. So instead, I’m going to call it my Good Knee and call the other one my Kick-Ass Knee.