Remedial Life

I’ve had a strange feeling for the past few years. It’s a weird feeling of deep unease and unhappiness. It’s not depression – I know depression. It’s more like the feeling a detective in a film noir gets as they head into a (spoiler) trap.
It feels like I’ve had life hit me over the head with a lesson again and again, but I just can’t seem to learn it. It’s like I’m a D student in Remedial Life1

I told my roommate my life story, just now. Just the highlights of how hard my parents worked just so that I could develop a sense of ennui rather than polio. She heard me patiently and paid me enough compliments to make me feel uncomfortable. It’s not really an accomplishment for me to have earned what I did – my parents did a much bigger task and have a lot less to show for it. I told her that I felt silly, but I also felt like I knew something I didn’t want to recognize. A thought felt on the tip of my tongue, but out of reach2

Then we talked about writing and she reminded me of my hate/co-dependent relationship with the craft. She also had that relationship, but I’m done talking about her now. Let’s just jump to the think I think I’m supposed to have learned in the past year(s), but haven’t.

  1. Family. Maybe I should love, call, and visit them more. Maybe I feel really bad that I haven’t and I should make as much time as possible as often as possible to go see them. Find conferences and such.
  2. Friends. Same as family, but different.
  3. Girlfriend. Maybe I need to learn a lesson. It’s either: just lock it down and be happy or just break it off and spare her feelings. Or maybe it’s something about how relationships are supposed to go and what my perspective is supposed to be. Something.
  4. Jobs. I think I might be ready to leave this field and go do what I love. Or, maybe the lesson is that I need to find a way to make money first and then love what I do. Or maybe, if I get a job, this feeling will just go away.
  5. Money. I should probably have some. Or not spend as much. Or earn more. Or something. Either way: fewer red numbers on my ledger.

    ((I just thought about buying a real ledger. I need help.))
  6. Alcohol. Maybe I need to stop drinking, exercise, and definitely never drink and write blog posts.
  1. Too on the nose? []
  2. Mixed metaphor for the win. []

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