I need to stop tweeting from the bathroom. (This message was sent from the municipal sewer.)

Automated towel dispensers never recognize me waving my hands. I swear I’m not a vampire!

If I keep imagining that sad Charlie Brown song, I’m going to develop horrible posture.

I always get scared of things that are too easy: questions, women, bake ovens…

Why is it that high school TV series only ever show you how students interact with one teacher?

I’m going to see Hot Tub Time Machine opening night! Closing night, too! But that’s probably going to be the same night.

I mean, I speak that particular language. (Español, para mis amigos ignorantes.) But it’s scary to know people look at that stuff.

Just had a Chilean contact me because my name on the philosophy dept. web site sounded Spanish… Cool, yet scary.

Here’s an interesting correlation: As depression goes up, cleanliness and hygiene go down.

Which is funnier? “He’s something that you can never be: taller than me.” OR “He’s something that you can never be: of average height.”?

Things that make me happy: butterscotch, burritos, cookies, and cute girls paying attention to me. So far today I’m 3 of 4

My friend @mablicia declared me one of her top ten favorite people in the world. Egads! I’m not worthy of such an honor!

I need a hip flask. Either that, or the location of a good AA group.

Yo momma’s so fat, her skin is at capacity!

Yo momma’s so fat, her BMI is three digits!

The penis:people looking for porn:normal people ratio of chat roulette is too high for my tastes.

Q: As a clinical psychologist, how do you get yourself to not take your problems home with you? A: Xanax. Lot’s of Xanax.

Q: As a clinical psychologist, how do you get yourself to not take your problems home with you? A: Oh, I have a locker.