I always confuse the words ‘hubris’ and ‘hummus’ because hummus thinks it’s all that and a bag of chips.

It’s a two-party country. If you keep voting on a single issue, your party will slow-roll that issue and ignore you on everything else.

A compromise: Millennials agree to use fabric softener, go to Applebee’s, and stop eating avocado toast. And Boomers stop ruining the world.

Oh, no. I’ve missed my word targets every day this month. I better get going on #NaNoWriMo. Is Starbucks still open?

Louisiana wants to tax tuition waivers as taxable income. That’s the same reasoning as: “It’s okay to eliminate all coal jobs because more tech jobs will be made for other people in your state. We didn’t intend to end your…

Progressive group Not One Penny will be airing a TV ad that hits the GOP tax plans mostly on Fox News, hoping to catch Trump’s attention. Fox News: where all the news is in the ads

Internet Hippo’s tax plan: “My tax plan is, if you have over a billion dollars we’ll tax you until you don’t.” $1.9 Trillion dollar revenue increase there. I endorse Hippeconomics.

Now type “I died” and let your Predictive Keyboard write your epitaph. I died in the past and it was so hard to find out what I had to worry about when it happened.

Dudes in their 20s talking about how much they drink or lift become men in their 70s talking about their bowel movements. Don’t @ me dudes.

Two dozen octopuses crawled to shore en masse and no one knows why. 24 is divisible by 8, so this checks out.

Paul Manafort, accused of being a unregistered foreign agent, used ‘Bond007’ as his password. Dammit. ‘Bond007,’ of course! Suddenly, my ‘agentjames’ password seems dumb.

The Germans might call it wissenschaftfremdschämen In Finnish, it might be tiede myötähäpeä

Y’all act like automatic weapons have no place in society. But what if you’re hunting automatic deer?

The happiest day measured in Twitter history was Christmas 2009. I remember that day… Ahh, when we all got ponies!

Limits on 1st amendment: • no incitement to imminent, lawless action • no libel/slander/defamation of character Limits on 2nd: • no tanks

Or the ppl who delet twits be cuz they mad aspelling Eror

Baby Boomers: They were given everything. They took everything.

Unpopular conspiracy theories. The Lindbergh baby shot Kennedy.

I know his real name is @TuckerCarlson, but how do I say that politely?

Okay, admit it. Who else was surprised @tedcruz enjoys watching human sex?

Keep Dreamers, deport Nazis.

Damn it, @wokecuck is taken. I nearly changed my user name.

Do people in Vancouver call it the ‘couv? I may be very tired because it is 3 am for me and the world disagrees.

Me, as a guest on tv: I just want to say, “hi mom!” She knows who she is.

Daenerys Targaryen would totally print her résumé on business cards and hand them out to everyone she met.

Screw it. Since nobody cares anymore, I’m going to spl-boldly-it all of my infinitives.

Would you vote if presented with a false dichotomy?

If we all choose to be getaway drivers, we’re just a group of people going on a nice drive.

I’ve finished fewer games of Risk than friendships while playing games of Risk.

Maybe they’re all Fredo. We have a Fredo father with two Fredo sons and a Fredo daughter married to a very Fredo brother.

Everyone calls her Ayn Rand, but nobody points out how she’s just a shitty Nietzsche. I call her Shietzsche.

Trump has 140 characters available each tweet. And yet, he never uses them to demonstrate any character of his own.

Another delay to repealing Obamacare. I’m beginning to think this is less 4-dimensional chess and more 4-square checkers.

“Everyone hates congress but loves their representative.” That’s not inconsistent- we just all hate @tedcruz.

Congress trying to undo Dodd-Franks is why millennials can’t have avocado toast.

When I lived in Canada, people wore the equivalent of a polar bear to stay warm. Girls who wanted attention only wore a penguin. It was sexy

Pfft. I’ve been to New Zealand. We’ll never domesticate Kiwis.

JFK is 100 today, but he doesn’t look a day over 46 1

My best friend thinks it’s funny to FaceTime me while driving. I just get annoyed at how reckless he is with his mobile data.

“This is great in some ways, terrible in others, and… I’ve run out of things to say.” Sometimes, the Compliment Sandwich is open-faced.

“[An assignment] is never finished, only abandoned.” –Paul Valéry as a student Yeah, but some are abandoned a bit early..

*walking in the hot sun* I need a Segue… which brings me to the topic of puns.

The Independent reports that Trump only reads intelligence reports when they have his name on them. Fair. I would only read Harry Potter and the Intelligence Report.

Who’s going to be the last person to defend Trump before he resigns?

Mike Huckabee says he’ll drink salsa and watch Speedy Gonzalez for Cinco de Mayo. Cool! I’ll eat twinkies and pet my dog. Big switcheroo!