1: I’m you, from the future! 2: Oh wow! What happens to me then? 1: As if you don’t know: you ruined my life! I’ve come back to kill you!

#improvedimprov 1: You should look at nature, it’s more beautiful than looking at your phone all the time. 2: Nah, I’ve seen all of nature’s junk.

I think I need a hashtag for this.. it’s basically a bunch of things I didn’t say at improv, but wish I had… #improvedimprov?

1: I’m you— from the future! 2: You… you look horrible, what happened?? 1: I know! I came back to warn you— Time travel takes years off your life.

1: I’m you from the future! 2: How did you come back? And why?? 1: Isn’t it obvious? I want to run a train on myself.

Rum is my spirit animal spirit.

It’s snowing. I’m going to stay off the roads. These people can’t even drive when it’s *cloudy* out.

Hello kids, I’m Lixep the Unconquerable!!! Oh, sorry— force of habit. How embarrassing. I’m actually Pixel the Unconquerable.

Suffering a migraine while seeing a psychiatrist: “it’s all in your head” I KNOW THAT, KAREN

The only things I know in this town are the office, my house, a grocery store, three or so bars, and new depths of despair.

I got into a heated scrabble fight about which letters were the most overrated. I was like, “FUCK U.” And he said, “No, FUCK Q.”

“Mark Warner introduces the Stop STUPIDITY (Shutdowns Transferring Unnecessary Pain and Inflicting Damage In The Coming Years) Act, which would fund all of the government except the WH and Congress to stop further shutdowns“ It’s crazy how the acronym spells…

I am proud to say I was never onboard with teenagers.

She called me acute guy. Well, technically she said my face was angular.

How much torque does Ryu need to do his hurricane kick? Seems like a lot. And wouldn’t each subsequent kick slow him down or knock off his balance? He starts from scratch and does 1-3 360° turns. That can’t be…

Superman is uncircumcised, discuss. And his urine would cut through porcelain. He must fly to space to use the bathroom.

It’s like Ray wanted to think of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man but Trump tweeted something stupid just beforehand.

Guy hunting lions died while shooting wild birds from a great height. He got all the blame, but obviously, he was just the fall guy.

JFK drew a sailboat in the hotel stationary on the last night of his life. The strokes are going back and to the left.

“Camp Fire evacuees at makeshift camp in Walmart parking lot given deadline to leave.” They should just say they’re really, really excited about Black Friday.

2: Karma is too slow and too sloppy. 1: Shh! Don’t say that! 2: Why? Will it come back in 20 years and hit my neighbor?

Pro tip: if the GOP asks you to vote, say you’ve already voted via text. As they lose their mind, just keep regurgitating their propaganda incorrectly.

Your phishing name is the color of your first car, your mother’s maiden name, your childhood nickname, and your childhood pet. Mine is Red Rover Red Rover.

Kate Marvel: “Ok to be fair burning down the patriarchy might not be carbon neutral” Reduce the patriarchy? Reusing and recycling the patriarchy may just make things worse.

When you diss someone and laugh when it hurts their feelings, that’s shade-enfreud.

Pro-tip: If you slow down @benshapiro by 50 percent, he sounds less like a cross between a thirsty auctioneer and a cocky payday lender.

2: You’ve never read Harry Potter? What are you, illiterate? 1: Hey! 2: I’m sorry, I genuinely didn’t think you’d know what that meant.

I like a lot of dairy in my coffee. I’ll have a half Half & Half.

1: you’re very handsome. 2: no, you must just have terrible vision. … I’m bad at accepting compliments…

I’m like a fish: I’m bad at analogies.

Y’allTube is the plural of YouTube.

Teaching, derailed by student: T: suppose you had eight arms. S: how did I get them? T: at the arm store. By which I mean the morgue.

In some gangs, people tattoo their last names across their backs. So they know who’s who while playing shirts vs. skins.

All generations, sans the Silents have trended toward Democrats. Silent but deadly.

There are Grammar Nazi Twitter users, so of course there are Gun Nut Pedants.

I’m not calling you stupid, but you sure are comfortable saying stupid things.

Strange that mass shooters always get legal guns as opposed to, say, uzis or AK-47s.

“Scott Budman: Had a rough day? Mark Zuckerberg lost $3.6 billion today. Jeff Bezos lost $3.2 billion. Google’s founders lost $2.3 billion, each. Bill Gates lost $2.2 billion. (Source: Bloomberg)” Oh no! Now they only have as much wealth as…

I only wish I’d gone into finance when I look at my 401k. I just have so many questions. For instance, what happened to the first 400,999?

I, for one, am shocked, Shocked that Trump is racist.

I always cap off the end of the year with enough champagne to give me blurry vision, which is why I look forward to a New Year’s resolution.

But who cares what people say as long as they mean well? …which I guess is why my brother cares that I say “happy holidays” to annoy him.

My brother polices my language when I say “happy holidays” because he thinks 90% of people are Christians anyway and we shouldn’t police language.

The final tweet of a person left behind by our health care system. He tried a GoFundMe for his insulin, but fell $50 short.