I don’t get it. Why did the house vote to exempt themselves from #AHCA? They won’t be in Congress forever. For instance, 2019..

Okay, so the secret is to not get massively sick or injured for the next few years… This is really not my strong suite.

I’m bad at making decisions. I’m afraid I’ll panic when getting a haircut and end up with a fauxhawk mullet and bangs.

Don’t feed the trolls. Don’t charge the bots. ?? ???????? ?????????.

Does Fulton County even exist? More MSM #fakenews #GA06

Turn to the person to your left. Now turn to the person to their right. You just turned on yourself.

Mary was a virgin. She never slept with anybody but God. Who was also Jesus. Okay, well maybe she did some hand & mouth stuff, but that’s it

Usually, every Easter my Twitter stream is filled with all sorts of overly saccharine puns. But this year? Not a peep.

Fun fact: when Vin Diesel chose his stage name, he was frantically looking around his car. He nearly chose “Handbrake Check Engine Light”

Not even Hitler did Hitlerish things!

This makes me sad https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/apr/09/social-networks–children-chat-feel-less-happy-facebook-instagram-whatsapp?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

What if the White Walkers actually built the wall expecting Westeros would pay for it?

If Penn students didn’t constantly remind us that Penn is in the Ivy League, we wouldn’t have to constantly remind them that it’s still Penn

My NCAA teams, ranked: @NMSU; @NevadaWolfPack; @DukeU; most other teams; Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, Milo, and Martin Skhreli; and *THEN* @UNC.

We don’t want ACCESS to Daylight, we want DAYLIGHT. This Daylight Savings Time is just Daytime Care Lite.

Just did my taxes. Added up to about what it costs for @FLOTUS to not sleep with @realDonaldTrump for about fifteen minutes. You’re welcome.

Maralago is not the Winter White House. I like “Confederate White House” myself. Although it is historically inaccurate. Of course, Winter WH is meteorologically inaccurate. So…

Donald Trump is a Reductio ad absurdum of humanity.

Wow. Nobody connected the dots for me like that before.

On this day in 1912, Teddy “Bear” Roosevelt decided to run against his chosen successor, William “Cub” Taft, creating the Bull Moose Party.

I was trying to think of who starred in Memento, but I just couldn’t remember.

Not only that, but when Sergei Kislyak was an extra in Memento, he thought Guy Pearce was a method actor. He was not.

When Sergei Kislyak was an extra in Memento, he thought Guy Pearce was a method actor. He was not.

GOP asking for feedback on Trump: ??•••• No bueno. Would not recommend.

A rally to investigate Russian interference on the anniversary of the October Revolution… which just happens to be the next Election Day.

Is it weird to anyone else that #TheResistance is trying to save the Republic?

His cankles are at capacity. His skin is holding on for dear life. His bathroom scale needs to be reinforced. His jeans are *not* recessive.

@chaddenick @JAdomian “notorious chub, Milo, was not so jolly this week when he was disinvited from CPAC amid structural concerns.”

As a Redditor points out, the Russian word for “puppet” is “?????????,” pronounced “kukol-nyy,” or “kuk” for short.

Maybe it really is 4-D Chess, but it’s the first time he’s ever played and he doesn’t quite know the rules yet.

As of just this second, I am officially One Billion seconds old. Think about that: One Billion seconds, but Zero firsts.

Not only will the GOP be on the wrong side of history. Soon they will be on the wrong side of current events.

If I could ask @sinbadbad for one wish, it would be for the Bowling Green Massacre to never have happened. It’s a Berenstain on our history.

Honest question: if Trump wasn’t rich or well known, who would sit next to him on a bus?

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. Can we just skip it? I don’t want to take any chances.

At the Gym: doing reps while calling my Reps. Exercising my rights while exercising my tris.

Donald Trump deleted the judiciary from the White House website “Three branches good, two branches bet-ter!”

True, true.

Our Dear Leader’s brave leadership and wonderousness makes all other happy events seem like a thousand anvils to the groin in comparison.

The #WomensMarch pictures are all of the same woman just from several different angles.

I, for one, welcome our Orange Overlord. His inauguration audience was 10 BILLION+. Biggest in all of the Multiverse. Huge.

The first constitutional convention was all white landowning men. The next one should be only poor, POC women Just for balance #WomensMarch

My cocktail for the inauguration will be lemonade and vodka.

Using the microwave in a 7-11 in Japan and it won’t turn off. “Why did you hit the cancer button?” “Why would you have a cancer button??”

In Brewster’s Millions, an eccentric rich maniac runs for political office as a joke and somehow starts to win. Ha ha, the ‘80s were silly.