I never see Dipping Dots anymore. The ice cream of the future is the ice cream of the past.

I just realized the word ‘awkward’ is an awkword.

From Rome, all roads lead out. #reverseidioms

I have a resting sleep face.

This may be the stupidest, least charitable article I have ever read. And that’s being very charitable.

I swear if I see me retweet another one of my own tweets, I’m going to unfollow myself!

The @nra conveniently grades politicians. F is the highest grade, right?

I have a vacation message set up on my email this month. It says, “New email, who dis?”

We have a mental health problem in the U.S. The problem is that we are living in denial over how easy it is for people to get guns.

This road trip, I’m going to binge listen to @jessecase vs. Cancer. No spoilers, but I hear in the last episode he holds a door.

Tour Guide: Who is from here? *I raise my hand.* TourGuide: Great- you can be my fact checker! Me: False!

Pilots are just bus drivers in three dimensions… and flight attendants are just waiters in one dimension.

Strangers are just friends I haven’t alienated yet.

I wonder what “I am Groot” is short for. #hodor

The difference between Hodor as a child and bran-damaged Hodor is so Stark.

I angered my cat so much, it took a swipe at me. Luckily, my cat like me, so it swiped right.

I have multiple Ninja Turtle pajamas. #adulting

My slang game is on such a fleek.

This lady is coughing everywhere like she doesn’t believe in germ theory of disease.

Advice for new sports photojournalists: Don’t shoot the messenger, shoot the game.

If you retweet someone wryly, do they know about it?

I’m officially trying to keep up with the snappity chats and the yikkity yaks. I think that means I have also officially been left behind.

I’m 50 percent convinced @GRRMspeaking will troll #gameofthrones fans by keeping Jon Snow dead in Winds of Winter.

It’s ironic that intelligence is such a dumb metric of success.

I have no opinion about your opinion of my musical opinions. As @taylorswift13 says, “Haters gonna hate hate hate.”

The corpse formerly known as Prince.

#Cruz should know that he can’t reference wrestling without people assuming he’s talking about his victims wrestling for their lives.

My friend tells me Cruz supporters are called #cruzcontrollers, but that hashtag is weak. They should be called #cruztaceans or #cruzodiacs.

Bernie has BernieBros. Hillary has Hillbots. Trump has Trumpeters & Trumpkins. What are other supporters called? Crustaceans? Kasichophants?

Today I learned that there are very few good places to do jumping lunges. The elevator is not one of them.

Snow is like cloud pollen. You can’t be allergic to it, but it does make you cold.

Trump showed us that you can only have a clown car for so long before the Joker shows up.

1: I like how we always finish each other’s… 2: … I don’t know what you want me to say. How about: “terrible joke set ups?”

Email is my least favorite form of communication. And I’m including ransom notes.

I’ve seen Memento a thousand times and each time it’s like I’m watching it for the first time.

Me: Hey, Daniel, what’s up? Daniel: Hey, how’s it going? Me: new number, who dis? I’m bad at texting.

1: I’m not making good decisions today. That’s it: I’m deferring all of my future decisions to you. 2: That was a bad decision.

I wish somebody had taken the sports almanac away from @realDonaldTrump.

Yeah, it’s March Madness, but if my team is eliminated, it’ll soon be April Apathy.

I know pi to ten THOUSAND digits… I mean not in order, of course, that would be too impressive.

Who are the Bernie Bros of the right? Cruz Crusaders? Rubio Rubes? Trump Trash? #gopdebate

My to-do list is so long, I started making a list of all of the people I was disappointing daily. I didn’t finish it, which disappointed me.