My girlfriend has Medical students’ disease – she thinks she has every illness. … and I think I caught it!

It’s so weird that surnames are passed along from the paternal line. Isn’t that the least reliable form of descent?

This homeopathic medicine is so effective. The active ingredient is ‘hope.’

String theory is tied up in knots.

Hecklers gonna heck.

Science says smoking makes you less of a man. Literally.

How is the Flash a better name than the Streak? They both mean exposing yourself.

I’m told Swedish people don’t like warm weather. I guess being trapped in Sweden makes warm temperature seem hot. It’s Stockholm Syndrome.

Wow, I totally dug #Interstellar. It may be my new favorite movie.

I’ll see you when I see you, if not before.

Damn. I totally forgot this was the fifth of November. And not really for any reason it should ever be forgot.

I moved to Canada last month. I think I was protesting… lampshades?

NaNoWriMovember #amidoingthisrite?

The old men in this locker room are far more comfortable with their naked bodies than I am with their naked bodies.

Studying x 6 years x 52 weeks x 40 hours = 1 Ph.D. Thus, I have a Ph.D. and several postdocs worth of expertise on the Simpsons.

1: You are the worst at taking compliments! 2: Wow, that’s so nice of you. Thanks!

1: “I like to point out the obvious.” 2: “You know, you didn’t need to say that, it’s actually fairly obvious.”

I know for some people, puns cause physical and psychological harm. I just want to say I’m sorry. No pain intended.

The BBB gave the business a C, but what the hell do they know about grading businesses? They get straight B’s.

Philosophy is like masturbation. Everyone likes doing it, but most of us don’t really want to see other people do it.

Every morning, I face the mirror and tie my tie. I try to beat myself at tie tying, but it’s always a tie.

“There’s no such thing as bad publicity.” -some douchebag

The pot SHOULD be the one to call the kettle black. Who else knows more about being black than the pot?

Can a hipster reference a band so obscure even HE hasn’t heard of it?

Hm. The iPhone 6 has so many Next Generation Technologies. How about a This Generation Security?

The iPhone 6: Oh, yes. It is very different. It’s bigger in some ways, smaller in others, and the numbers just keep going up and up!

The iPhone 6: we changed it, so now it’s different.

So, I’m a Ph.D. now. I presume my jokes will get significantly more esoteric, like the early Dennis Miller sets you’ve probably never heard…

I did the ice bucket challenge and felt like the luckiest man in the world.

There’s no rule dogs can’t play basketball! … But it is fairly heavily implied, so: no.

An arsonist set a blaze to the hotel for the APSA meeting in DC. I bet they were hoping a position would open up if someone got fired.

“Statistically, someone who has Impostor syndrome must actually be an impostor.” –The depressed guy who stole my social security number.

Why did I bring a fork to a burrito fight?

Aristotle’s second wife, Herpyllis, has the most unfortunate name for any person I’ve ever heard.

On the NC/SC border, there’s a tourist trap called “South of the Border.” It’s like, “Welcome to South Carolina, here’s some racism!”

Whenever I meet a psychology major who loves Carl Jung, I’m like, “pfft! How archetypical.”

I used to hate Stockholm, but I was snowed in recently and I love it now.

“Hi babby” “Oh, shiv, I meant ‘baby’!” “Oh, shut, I meant ‘shit’! “Oh no!!! How embarrassing???” “Oh no, I meant ‘!!!’ !!!” #autocorrectfail

I put my friend’s cat in a box with a flask of poison attached to a radioactive source. It was both a theoretical joke and a practical one.

“In this town, you can find a mansion next to a house built from old garage doors.” – Daniel Davenport

Taco Bell and nothing else are a dangerous combination.