It’s a poor craftsman that blames his tools. Of course, it’s a poor craftsman that can’t afford good tools in the first place.

I have two university crests on my CV. One is for my alma matter and the other is for my alma patter.

I want to make a cop movie in which competing cops search for drug money. I’ll call it The Good Cop, the Bad Cop, and the Ugly Cop.

Cambridge feels like bad prosopagnosia. All of the men look like Draco Malfoy. And all of the women look like Severus Snape.

How do you train to be a method actor? Do you just be a method actor?

I like London because it has burritos and… Well, it had me at burritos.

My first meal in London is a burrito because my diet has the diversity of… Oh, let’s say London.

When white people dance it looks like Brownian motion.

Everything is made up of atoms. Well, except for subatomic matter, if you want to be particular.

This picture should not be blown up larger than a thumbnail. It has the resolution of a drug addict at Charlie Sheen’s New Year’s party.

3D is the mullet of movie technology.

2: Here’s some packets of Equal, now we’re Even. 1: No we’re not. 2: Hm.. that’s Odd.

2: “I don’t keep things from you!” 1: “You don’t? The only thing I really know about you is your name!” 2: “Yeah, well… most of it.”

Those polka dots look like your clothes caught small pox.

The Thundercats were never able to get to scenes before the Lightningcats.

My will designates my funeral must be catered by Chuck E. Cheese.

To a nail, every tool looks like a hammer.

More livetweeting Ghost Writer… For teens with a single supernatural friend, they seem to forget about his abilities each episode. It’s like if Flash kept loudly wondering, “If only someone could move quickly from one place to another…” Okay, Lenni…

I just turned 29. So when can I officially say I’m in my late 20s? Is it soon?

I think most issues are too complicated to be summed up in a sound byte. Simplicity is always– well it’s complicated– but usually not good

Live Tweeting Ghostwriter: These kids get Ghostwriter to do all their research. They are going to be terrible students.. The bad guy in this episode is rapping while binding and gagging a troll doll. Oh, the ‘90s. You didn’t even…

I’m stopping, but I’ve got to say… I don’t like the way roses smell.

May the Sixth be with you. #probablynotdoingthisright

May the Fifth be with you. #amidoingthisrite

Male Anglerfish are from a tiny Mars, female Anglerfish are from a humongous Venus. (Reading needed for this joke: )

My friend was talking about old people while we were walking by a golf shop. “Shh! They can hear you!” I said. “… oh, wait. No they can’t!”

At what point did we decide googling an animal meant we wanted to see furries? Was it the advent of deviant art? Is that why it’s deviant?

Fishing for compliments: “you look nice.” Oh, that’s a small one, I should throw it back.

I hate it when the cat wakes me up by jumping on my groin. That’s my ‘awake’ button. For snooze, I just roll over like a trauma victim.

If women are the majority of the population, does that mean they are The Man?