GF: “I have to work 48 hours this week!” Me: “What are you complaining about? I work 48 hours every week! … wait, I meant 4 TO 8 hours.”

When I was younger, I wanted to be a hand model. Then I lost my figure.

No, I don’t know the Potter Stewart dictum. But I’m sure I’ll know it when I see it.

Pro Tip: Never check the Internet when you are happy or being productive. There is no such thing as a productive day of responding to emails

I just realized: Benedict XVI gave up being pope for Lent.

Why is the dissertation format designed to make readers hate authors?

Whoo!! No pope! Last one to pillage and plunder is a rotten egg!

They say write what you know… which is why I never include any details about what my female characters are thinking.

Die Hard is about how hard it is for terrorists to kill Bruce Willis. Die Hard 5 is about how hard it is for Bruce Willis to kill the series

Curious George killed the cat.

I’m a philosopher: I bite bullets for breakfast.

At midnight, we’re all drinking grape Flavor Aid laced with a SECRET ingredient. Don’t worry about driving home, you won’t even need to. ;D

I know it’s not the end of the world, but it is the mother of all Mayan New Year’s Eve parties. So I’m still getting my drink on.

There are so many tumbleweeds here, I feel like I hit the snooze button on my appointment at high noon.

If I started my own fellowship, I’d call it the Jolly Good Fellowship. So that people would be able to say they were “Jolly Good Fellows.”

Now every state but Vermont, Washington, and Maine has petitions for secession. Can I counter-petition to just kick out THOSE states?

An online test says I might have narcissistic personality disorder. Which makes sense, because that’s the best possible disorder.

I’m not good at has#tags.

I’m going to commission a painting of myself standing next to a melted pack animal so I can have a painting of myself with the Dali Llama.

I think I spent more time grading their essays than some of these kids spend writing them.

I want to watch Statler and Waldorf watch the presidential debates.

If wrestling is fake, then WWE is basically just a soap opera… a slightly more homoerotic soap opera.

It’s parents day and the Parents’ seminar is being held in the LGBT center. The signs all say: “Parents’ Orientation- LGBT.” #foundhumor

When a nuclear family decays, the fallout can be pretty radioactive.

I’m the kind of guy that brings a pillow to a knife fight.

The democrats have become more like the republicans. The republicans have become more like a caricature of themselves.

I don’t know what I want my last words to be, but I want my last punctuation to be an interrobang… which kinda limits my options.

When foreign leaders get sick, they come to America for treatment. Because-you know- they can afford it.

“That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.” -A. Whitney Brown

I know I SHOULDN’T derive an ought from an is, but I still do.

I think I want to Kickstart a Ponzi scheme.

They call these black plums, but they aren’t quite black. They’re not quite purple, either. They’re more plum colored than anything.

Cashier: “Can I get a name for your order?” Me: “Sure. Let’s call it Jimmy the Order.”

The Dream theory doesn’t fully explain Mulholland Drive. The Bad Movie theory, however, does.

Oh, you meant “ha ha” funny, not “Gah Blah” funny.

I liked water polo before the Olympics made it all commercial.

I hate running into people I’m on good terms with.

Starting a business isn’t risky — it’s betting on yourself. So… it’s pretty risky.