The best vacation is the one where you’re not sure if you’re stuck in a time loop and can think of no way to investigate.

Question: in the second Ninja Turtles movie, why is it that Shredder’s outfit also mutates when he becomes Super Shredder? #tweetsfromthe90s

“Would you like to sign up for email updates?” = “Would you like to spend more time deleting emails every day?”

It turns out 81% of New Year’s resolutions fail within two years… Don’t think about that too much.

YouTube: Your advertisements should not be longer than the videos they precede. You are failing at the Internet. Hulu: You’re on notice.

Here’s a fun resolution: to live to see 2013.

I just hurt myself by literally shuffling too hard.

When I die, I want my funeral procession to just be an elaborate game of centipede.

“I can’t go home with you. Then you wouldn’t respect me in the morning!” “Why, are you not very good?”

I’m a lover, not a fighter. Specifically, I love to fight.

2011 — the pothole in memory lane.

We agree on tomato and potato, but here we’re going to have to call the whole thing off!

?x(Gx) Where Gx = If ?x(Gx) ? ?x~(Gx) In other words… “All generalizations are false.”

I sold my watch to buy you a watch chain. … I’m bad at presents.

Teaching ethics is great. When else can you start a sentence with “suppose you find the smell of burning cats erotic” and get away with it?

Freud was such an idmaniac.

… just found some plagiarism. Fuck. The student I caught plagiarizing just emailed me to complain about his grade, asking how he should appeal. Here’s a hint: don’t.

I’m discussing higher and lower pleasures tomorrow. So tonight I’m going to eat, drink, and celebrate Christmas.

I’m going to go out and get breakfast. You know- seize the day!

Carbon Monoxide FAQs: Q: What do you do if you wake up dead? A: Consult your metaphysician immediately.

I need to set my bathroom scale to Log to make me feel better.

Don’t you know the rules of the road? Weren’t they printed on the Cracker Jack box where you got your driver’s license?

I like the idea of saving things in inappropriate media: “I’ve enclosed our band’s demo song. Please see the attached Word doc.”

It feels odd to accidentally overhear a first date. It’s all of the “I’m going to ruin this” feeling with none of the foolish hope.

When I’m around economists, I go out of my way to make important life decisions in front of them by flipping a coin.

Some times I forget that I want to work less and not significantly more.

“It is necessary for a concept to be believed if it is true, however it is only sufficient for something to be true if it is believed.” >:-[ I like that she used words that philosophers use. I dislike that…

Dear college students – saying ‘therefore’ is not a substitute for a good argument. Therefore, you should all lick toads.

Someone make the grading stop!

I just realized one of my students is colorblind. My grue lecture must have made no sense at all! Two separate thoughts..

Fun times with @pippki today! I now have more drawing of my face as a giant strawberry than I know what to do with.

I checked my hotmail inbox for the first time in two years today. I had hundreds of SPAM emails. So… pretty much par for the course.

There’s no better mixed drink than a fine single-malt scotch and regret.

I get endless amusement imagining Sarah McLachlan and Lil’ Jon doing a duet.

There’s a high correlation between a guy’s opinion on circumcision and whether he’s been circumcised. FYI: I’m only half in favor.

Vodka-Redbull drinks are so 1998. I’ve moved on to Nyquil-5 Hour Energy shots.

Tomorrow is No Email Day. To show how productive life can be without email, I’m spending all day today emailing people to inform them.

I bet the Cain Train stops at conjunction junction.

I just found Hume’s missing shade of blue! It’s Grue!

Pro Tip: When DJing a party for your friends, it’s required for you to rickroll them at least twice.

I’m sorry if these papers smell like someone spilled expensive, well-aged scotch on them…. extremely, unbelievably sorry.

“He’s awesome, and I very rarely say that about people.” —@Pixelation talking about himself in the third person.